Panthers, etc.

I'm just going to go ahead and say what everyone is thinking:

Chile, your name sounds delicious.  Spicy, meaty and delicious.

If your team were actually a food, I would like you a lot more.  Instead, sucks to be you.  Here comes the diatribe.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - CHILE EDITION

Switzerbland.

Feel the romance.  Feel the longing.  Feel the boredom.  I've been sleeping off and on all afternoon/evening.  Read on to find out why.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - SWITZERLAND EDITION

Prediction vs. Conviction, Part Four.

Welcome to Prediction vs. Conviction, in which I explain what teams I realistically want to advance from group play versus what teams I actually think will advance from competition.

Today, I profile the last two groups, as well as share a picture of Nelson Mandela strangling a trophy.  Neat!

Delight.

US versus Turkey at 2:00 PM EST.

I'm indisposed, but feel free to use this space to comment on the game as it happens.  I'll be watching later tonight, and will post my thoughts in the comments section.

Thinking about this game makes me want Turkish Pizza.  There are a couple of other International Friendlies going on today that you also might want to keep track of:  Nude Zealand vs Serbia and Spain vs Saudi Arabia immediately come to mind.

Yawnduras.

Sometimes, these things happen.  I can't watch the US v Turkey game live today, as I will be in Topeka at a Bar Mitzvah.  That said, I'll be recording the game on DVR and will likely watch it later that night.

Sorry for partying.

Until that time comes, satisfy your need for hard-hitting journalism with this complete beatdown of Honduras, the absolute worst nation in Central America.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - HONDURAS EDITION

Copen-Hatin'

Let's face it:  Being milquetoast is some countries' bread and butter.  God, I'm hungry.  Hold on a second while I think of other delicious milquey foods.


Milk Steak from dalboz on Vimeo.


Oh, Charlie.  You're so silly.

Anyway, just because a country pretends to be all nice and kind and progressive and BORING, doesn't mean that's their true nature.  If you look deeper, you'll often see quite the opposite.

You're up, Denmark.  Time to pay the piper.

Fashion! - Group C

Welcome back to Fashion!

Every Friday, my Feminine Side and I get together and discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups featuring at the tournament next month.  At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.  This week, we tackle Group C.

Overlap.

The World Cup is barely two weeks away, and I feel like I'm behind the ball.

So far, I've only told you why I hate 10 of the 31 teams I plan to profile, and with fifteen days to go, I really need to step up my game.  My goal is to avoid sacrificing quality in the interest of meeting a deadline, but I'm really not sure what's going to happen.

Let's find out together.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - SOUTH KOREA EDITION

Depressing.

First thought best thought.

I'm really excited about the World Cup being in South Africa.  I really am.  Inevitably, there are going to be problems, be it with the altitudes, crime, unsold tickets, whatever, but at the end of the day, I think it's going to be an excellent tournament in an exciting country with a lot of spirit and hospitality.

Read my lips:  The following critique is about South Africa's team, not on the country's ability to host a world class tournament.  You hear me?  Do you?

Okay.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - SOUTH AFRICA EDITION

Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women, Part One.

My parents are coming into town tonight for the Bar Mitzvah of a close family friend's youngest son.  They'll be spending most of their time in Topeka, my old home, but we'll be seeing each other quite a bit.  We'll probably Ronaldo a ton of food, too.

In honor of their return to Kansas, where they lived for almost two decades, I present to you the following, totally topical interview:

Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women - Mama Bear Edition

Interview conducted via email.  Additional commentary in parens.

Nemeses: Dunga

In this week's edition of Nemeses, I bring to you the story of Dunga.  

A little background on the man:  As the former captain of Brazil's national side, Dunga and the Selecao have a long history together.  He led them to victory in the 1994 World Cup, as well as the 1998 finals loss to France.

Known for his strange decisions, thuggish play and ability to hold a grudge, trust me, he's as shitty as his name sounds.

Michael Jordan

The US 23 Man Roster has been announced.

Goalkeepers

Bald Brad Guzan
Marcus Hananananananaman.

Timmay

Big D

Carlos Black Mouth

Jewnathon Bornstein*

Steed Cherundolo

Jay Hot Demerit

It's All Good, Son

Gooooooooooooch

Pretty Jon Specter

Judge Dread.

So, as you may or may not know, the USMNT B Team got Euro-Served last night by the ultimate threat to soccer in America:

Republicans.

Granted, these were Republicans of the Czech variety, but I still think my analysis holds.  

Based upon our individual and team performances last night, I am prepared to predict what the US Final Roster will look like.  And, in some strange coincidence, I'm putting out my version only HOURS before Bob Bradley will announce his final cuts at 1:00 PM EST today.

First Test.

We're about ten minutes in to the USMNT's first warm-up game.  A few thoughts:

1)  Brad Guzan's goalkeeper jersey looks ridiculous.
2)  I can't tell if Onyewu is 100% or not.  Holden looks good, though.
3)  Our fans need new chants.  Seriously.

I'll be updating with more thoughts in the comments section, as the game develops.  Booyah.

Only Two Nazi References!

In high school, I once wrote a long, melodramatic journal entry (I know, I know) about how it's much easier to deal with people if you instantly dislike someone the first time you meet.  My argument was, if you're wrong and it turns out they rule, !!AWESOME!!, but if they end up sucking, you're spared the disappointment of somebody letting you down.

The title of said journal entry was "The World is Full of Fucks."  I've since changed my way of dealing with people, metamorphosing into a beautiful, magnanimous social creature, but it's still hard when you try and give someone a chance who turns out to be a total dick.

That's how I feel about Germany.  Because of the bad history between Jews and Germans, I've always been careful to not blame modern Deutschlanders for the mistakes some of their ancestors made.  With that in mind, I was totally willing to give their soccer team an honest chance.  Boy, how wrong I was.

It turns out, the German National Team is full of fucks.

Prediction vs. Conviction, Part Three.

Welcome to Prediction vs. Conviction, in which I explain what teams I realistically want to advance from group play versus what teams I actually think will advance from competition.

Before we begin, I want to point out one thing:

That leopard has a camel-toe.  Way to mix animal-metaphors.  Sheesh.

Forecast.

It's no secret that I hate Mexico.  It's also no secret that Mexico deserve it.

Today, at 3:00 PM Eastern, the dreaded El Tri takes on England in an international friendly at Wembley Stadium.  If you know anything about anything, you should understand why this is a big deal.

For those of you who don't:

Over the past 20 years, the US and Mexico have been the traditional powers in the CONCACAF.  In qualifying for this summer's tournament, the US finished top of the group, with Mexico in second place.  On June 12th, the US faces off against England in the first Group C match-up of the World Cup.

Today's friendly should serve as an excellent barometer for what the US needs to do on the 12th.  If you have access to a computer or a TV, I would suggest you watch.

Go Round and Round.

The World Cup is filled with silly little things.

Below is a list of the slogans to be featured on the side of each country's team bus for the tournament.  Some of them are great (U-S-A! U-S-A!), and some of them are terrible (I'm looking at you, Greece).


If some of these translations are wrong, and for some UNAMERICAN reason, you speak one of the FOREIGN languages used below, feel free to be that SUPER-PRETENTIOUS guy/girl and let us all in on how much "smarter" you are than the rest of us.  Just know that you're officially a TERRORIST if you do so.  This is America.  We speak English.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part Four.

In previous installments of Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, I've introduced you to a couple of guys who are traveling to South Africa this summer.  Today, we're getting to know another schlub like the rest of us, my older brother Ben, who will decidedly NOT be kicking it in Cape Town in June.

That doesn't mean he's not good for a few ridiculous opinions, though.

Prediction vs. Conviction, Part Two.

Welcome to Prediction vs. Conviction, in which I explain what teams I realistically want to advance from group play versus what teams I actually think will advance from competition.

Commercial Success

If you're a soccer fan who owns a computer, I'm fairly certain you've already seen the following commercial:


Write The Future from Nalden on Vimeo.

It seems like everyone I know has posted this on Facebook, and there's a lot of talk out there about this being "the best soccer commercial ever."

Bullshit.

Fashion! - Group B

Welcome back to Fashion!

Every Friday, my Feminine Side and I get together and discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups featuring at the tournament next month.  At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.  This week, we tackle Group B.

32nd Place.

Oh no.  I don't care how long ago this was.  Sports team songs are NEVER a good idea.

Altidore is back.

And he's talking more sheeeeeeeit.

I swear to you, this is a post about Brazil.

Pre-amble:  This post is not funny.  I started to write a post about Brazil, and the initial analogy I chose took me in a very different direction from that which I originally intended.  As it turns out, this post is barely about soccer.  Skip it if you're here for the funny.

I promise, I won't mind.

Road(kill) to South Africa

Remember when I told you that Maradona was crazy?  Of course you do; it was less than five hours ago.

Well, he's back for more.  Witness the new heights of Argentine insanity.

Prediction vs. Conviction, Part One

Welcome to Prediction vs. Conviction, in which I explain what teams I realistically want to advance from group play versus what teams I actually think will advance from competition.

Word of warning:

Some of my predictions are completely based upon hope; it's hard to be a fan and a realist at the same time.  If you somehow decide to use this as a betting tool, you're an idiot.  A big, fat, racist idiot.

Nemeses: Cristiano Ronaldo

Before I say anything else, I will admit, up front, that Cristiano Ronaldo is very good at soccer.  This is not a rant about his legitimacy as a world class talent, nor is this a rant about how his weakness in certain areas devalues him as a player.  If he were a marginal footballer, I obviously wouldn't feel as strongly about the man as I do.

So, before we begin, let's get one thing clear:  I'm not here to say that Cristiano Ronaldo sucks.  This goes so far beyond anything as simple as that.

WHY CRISTIANO RONALDO IS RUINING SOCCER

Fightin' Words.

Jozy Altidore has been talking some sheeeeeeit.

June 12th.  The proof is in the pudding.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part Three.

Have you noticed a gendered theme with all the people I'm slowly introducing you to? Judging by my blog, the World Cup is gonna be one big sausage-fest.

Next up on my list of correspondents is Matt. Young Matthew and I have two things in common: Goalkeeping abilities and bad backs. Other than that, we have nothing to talk about. That is, until now...

Crazy in Love

Fair warning: I'm going to be serious for a second. Maybe even honest. If you're here mostly to be amused, you may want to skip this post.

These next few paragraphs are mostly intended for those among my readers who wouldn't really call themselves soccer fans. Watch the video below, and meet me on the other side.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Let's get one thing straight, world: There is no such thing as ElephanTITIS.

It's Elephantiasis. I don't care how many people choose to pronounce it incorrectly. Spelling is spelling, and I won't hear anything to the contrary.

Why am I so bent out of shape? Because I'm sitting here, trying to think up a series of stupid jokes to tell about the Ivory Coast's soccer team, and a bunch of idiots on the internet can't spell a simple word right.

It's downright distracting.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - IVORY COAST EDITION

Hate

I like to consider myself a pretty egalitarian fan when it comes to international soccer.  

What I mean is, besides the USMNT, I root for a wide variety of teams.  Of the 32 teams in this year's competition, I would be happy with four or five winning the whole thing, and I wouldn't mind an additional seventeen or eighteen performing well.  In a game where I have no distinct loyalty, I tend to answer the question of "Who am I pulling for?" by answering an even easier question:  "Who do I hate more?"  

The rubric for who I hate is fairly ephemeral.  It could be something to do with world history, it could be something to do with a single player being kind of a dick.  For example, in the Group H match between Chile and Switzerland, I'll probably root for Chile because A) Spanish is better than French or German, and B) let's face it, the Swiss are kind of a bunch of pussies.  It's not a scientific process, but it's actually pretty consistent.

Recession

Last Thursday, I attempted to talk with my little brother Alex about soccer via text message. Emphasis on attempted.

ZGS SMS: I am about to interview you for my new blog. Begin. You look like a cross between me and a Mexican version of our dad. What's up with that? (10:15 AM 5/13/2010)
AlexText: I have no idea how it happened, but i have always enjoyed being tanner. Probably the same way someone enjoys being tall. (11:31 AM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: Are you tall? (11:33 AM 5/13/2010)
AlexText: I'd say I'm a little above average height. (5:55 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: Narcissist. Anything else you want to brag about? (5:59 PM 5/13/2010)
AlexText: I'm not bragging. Just answering some blogger's text messages in an honest, less-than-160-characters manner. (6:07 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: So. Boring. Okay, soccer question: Who do you think will have the best male pattern baldness at World Cup 2010? (6:13 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: This is taking forever. Answer me. (9:08 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: I don't love you anymore. (11:13 PM 5/13/2010)

I think he started ignoring my texts because I was basically smashing his face in with hard-hitting journalism.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part Two.

Bouncing back from my super-self-indulgence in the previous post, I'm moving on to profile another one of our men in the field, Travis! Think of him like our own personal World Cup gossip columnist.

That's our man, off to the right, pictured with some guy you thought was Damarcus Beasley, but only because you're a racist.

Come with me as we discover what makes Travis tick in our second installment of...

Murtaugh

It rained a lot in Kansas yesterday, and I'll admit, I think it got the better of me.

Currently, I'm sitting in my living room, computer perched on the body pillow in my lap, Roma vs. Chievo Verona on the small TV that belong to one of my roommates (I'm not sure which).  My upper body is wrapped in an old, sea-foam-green blanket I borrowed (accidentally stole) from a friend of a good friend and my feet are tucked into the bottom of my XXXL track pants I bought specifically for days like this.  

I generally hate Italian football (or Calcio, as one of my more pretentious friends calls it), but I'm sick, and soccer on TV is comforting and familiar.  It's the undulating hum of the crowd that calms me, the indecipherable chants and songs that roll back and forth beneath the match commentary.  Spanish football is the best for this.  I like the announcers' accents, the players' names, the cadence of the game and the fans.

Selection Saturday

Remember how awesome Sesame Street was?  I sure do.

I have an incredible amount of respect for Sesame Street.  It taught me about diabetes, about aliens and about Hispanics.  Seriously.  There were no Hispanic people in Prior Lake or Saint Paul, MN.  I would have had no clue they existed, if not for Maria.

All that said, I am totally not above blatantly stealing one of their best bits and using it for my own benefit.

Fashion! - Group A

Welcome to Fashion! the newest and colloquially gayest segment on Two Worlds, One Cup.

Fashion! basically shakes down like this: Every Friday, my feminine side and I get together and discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups featuring at the tournament next month. At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale. This week, we tackle Group A.


South Africa

ZGS: This jersey is awesome.
Feminine Side: The detailing is fantastic and the color scheme is eye catching, but not garish.
ZGS: It looks like one of those awesome rainforest frogs. You know, the kind who's skin tells predators "Don't eat me, 'cause I'll make you log on to vom.com?"
FS: Umm. Yes. It's definitely bold. If I had one complaint, it would be the matte yellow cutout on both of the sleeves.
ZGS: You mean how the stripes don't go all the way?
FS: Sure. If that's how you want to describe it.
ZGS: If you were in South Africa, how much would you pay a street vendor for a decent Indonesian knock-off?
FS: 150 Rand.
ZGS: Booyah! I officially give this jersey 4 out of 5 Tshabalalas.

Atlantis

And we're back.

Logic presupposes a couple of things. First, I should probably be profiling another country right now, flexing my verbalest of chops and impressing you with my unique ability to toe the line between insightful and insipid. Second, the most likely target for my carefully crafted dick-jokes should be the USMNT's last group opponent. With that in mind, I pointed and clicked my way over to FIFA's official World Cup 2010 website, to check out who the last team in Group C might be.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that "team" was supposedly Slovenia.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part One.

So, remember way back in the day, four posts ago, when I said I had friends that were going to South Africa? Well, some introductions are in order.

Readership, meet Craig.


Craig (who I have handily labeled in the photo as "CRAIG") will be traveling to the 2010 World Cup along with our mutual and his childhood friend Travis (who I have handily labeled in the photo as "TRAVIS"). The baller photo you see above was taken in Buneos Aires. Jealous?

Foxy Boxing

Moving right along in Group C, I profile another one of the USMNT's eventual victims. Known for being the second largest country in Africa and the ancestral home of the Tuareg people, Algeria isn't as cool as you would think.

Not by a long shot.

Racism! Lions! Dicks!

Ledley King is drunk with power.

Despite being unable to play more than one game every four weeks (hyperbole!), King was a surprise inclusion in Fabio Capello's 30 Man Roster. Injured knee aside, the Tottenham player has the firm backing of his manager, Harry Redknapp*, as well as the rest of the FA. Congratulations to Ledley. Ha. Ledley.

¿Dónde está Charlie Davies?

It's 9:30 PM. I'm sitting on the counter in my all-too-small kitchen, preparing to Ronaldo four hot dogs, an apple and a glass of milk, and I'm still mad. Spit-pissing mad. Earlier today, Bob "Thousand Yard Stare" Bradley released his 30 man preliminary roster for the USMNT squad. Peruse the list for your own pleasure here, complete with some other rube's opinions.

After reading the over the list a couple of times, I'm only left with one question: WHERE in the FUCK is CHARLIE DAVIES? In the coming weeks, there's going to be a great deal of arguing over the US lineup. I'll save my opinions on everything but the forwards for another day.

(For those of you not familiar with the plight of young CD9, you're an idiot. Use your favorite search engine to find out his back story, paying particular attention to how they PEELED OFF HIS FACE during surgery. For our immediate purposes, suffice it to say, Charlie Davies was injured.)

One Month.

Friends and Lovers-

Declarative sentence: The World Cup begins in less than a month. Additional declarative sentence, followed by a sentence fragment: This blog will mostly be about the World Cup. Mostly.

In paragraphs to follow, my prose will soar to great heights. It will glorify the people, the places, the world and the game. But do not expect such things today. Instead, in this opening post, I will employ a cheap literary device.