Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part One.

So, remember way back in the day, four posts ago, when I said I had friends that were going to South Africa? Well, some introductions are in order.

Readership, meet Craig.


Craig (who I have handily labeled in the photo as "CRAIG") will be traveling to the 2010 World Cup along with our mutual and his childhood friend Travis (who I have handily labeled in the photo as "TRAVIS"). The baller photo you see above was taken in Buneos Aires. Jealous?



You'll meet Trav, as well as my other correspondents, at a later date. If these people are going to be sending us updates from the field, I think it's important that you, my faithful readers, have a little bit of insight into how their minds work; their hopes and dreams and goals and favorite foods. To that end, I present to you:

CRAIG - A RETROSPECTIVE
Interview conducted via the emails. All personal commentary added in parens.

How is it that you're going to South Africa in June and I'm not?

I have a real job. (Ouch. True, but ouch.)

What games do you have tickets for?

Argentina v South Korea, USA v Slovenia, Brazil v Cote D'Ivoire and Germany v Ghana.

Besides the United States, what teams do you want to go far?

I'll be rooting for Australia and most of the non-favorites, but really it's anybody but Italy or France. If I had to choose one of the favorites, maybe Argentina or Netherlands. Their styles are fun to watch. I'd be happy with a Spain win too. They've certainly got the talent, and they haven't given me too much of of a reason to hate them. (Racist.)

If the New Zealand All Whites were a historical figure, who would they be?

It would have to be someone who's good natured, but totally inconsequential and not particularly skilled. I'm trying to think of someone we had to learn in history class simply because they held an important title. Maybe Martin Van Buren.

(I think this is accurate. Van Buren ran for a second presidential term with the Free-Soil Party, a third party ticket, basically the equivalent of the Oceania qualifying group.)

Over the course of your trip, what percentage of the days will you be drunk?

100%

Pretend we're playing Balderdash. What is a brai?

It's that thing filled with cow sperm that you stick into a heifer's who-who to impregnate her. (Actual definition.)

Who is your favorite player at this year's tournament?

Outside of the Americans, I gotta go with my Man U boy Wayne Rooney. I appreciate the heart that he puts into his football. I might reconsider after the USA v England game. With the Americans, I pick Donovan. He's re-earned my respect with his performances for the USMNT in the past couple years. But, I will be rooting for him while wearing my Charlie Davies national team jersey.

Complete the following sentence: When I get robbed in Johannesburg, I hope they don't take _________.

...their fingers and stick them in my bum. (Don't we all?)

Is this your first World Cup?

Yup, but hopefully not last

True or False: Slovenia is a real country.

True. It's where all the rich Slavs live, who avoided the conflict and ethnic cleansing of their former countrymen by being off in the corner and not really mattering. It's capital is Ljubljana, and the first syllable is pronounced lube.

(Obviously, none of this can be right. Ljubljana is a Harry Potter word. Nice try, but there's no such thing as Slovenia.)

More to come tomorrow. Keep it real, my pretties.

-ZGS