Next up on my list of correspondents is Matt. Young Matthew and I have two things in common: Goalkeeping abilities and bad backs. Other than that, we have nothing to talk about. That is, until now...
BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN - MEET MATT
All questions asked via email. Additional commentary in parens.)
1) How is it that you're going to South Africa and I'm not?
That's the same question my wife asks me. She's a grad student like you. Coincidence? Yes, probably - she doesn't care much for watching "calcio", so she's not going. For the record, I wish I was your pretentious friend who actually called it calcio, but I am not.
(If you want to call it Calcio, call it Calcio. You must be the change you wish to see in the world.)
2) I hear your wife is an African-American. Any chance she's South-African-American?
You heard correctly, and well, you've met her. I remember you told me she is "foxy", which is accurate. To the best of our knowledge, she is not South African though. Enough about my wife though, this is a World Cup blog. On second thought, this is a World Cup blog, so WAG coverage should be perfectly acceptable.
(Ok, you got me. I paid someone a compliment, once. ONCE. Good call on the WAGs coverage. For those of you not in the know, WAG stands for Whores and Gays. Look it up.)
3) Is this your first World Cup?
Yes, unless you count 1994. It is too bad they haven't blown up the Pontiac Silverdome by now. (Of course I count '94. Duuuuuh.)
4) An old Zulu proverb states: Do not talk about a rhinoceros if there is no tree nearby. What player at this World Cup is the rhinoceros?
This would have been an easy question if Zinedine Zidane were still playing... I'm gonna have to go with Wayne Rooney though. Let's just hope there was a tree nearby Landon Donovan when he made his recent comments regarding Rooney being "worn out" and it doesn't cause Rooney to go all golden boot on this tournament.
(We should call him Rhooney. However, I feel the need to clear the air with that whole Donovan nonsense. Basically, all he said was that Rooney had been playing a lot of domestic games, and it must be hard to balance that and National team obligations. It's yet another example of poor journalism, as opposed to the hard-hitting journalism you'll find on this site.)
5) Besides the United States, what teams do you want to go far?
Italy and any African nation, sub-Saharan. I'd especially like to see Ivory Coast do some damage and make it out of their group of death.
5) Without using the internet, name one Paraguayan player, you racist.
They're the team with the red/white striped jerseys, right? That's all I got. (You racist.)
6) What games do you have tickets for?
Match 29 - Brazil vs Cote d Ivoire
Match 32 - Spain vs Honduras
Match 38 - USA vs. Algeria
Match 43 - Denmark vs Japan - We're trying to sell these tickets though, if anyone is interested in buying them let me know!
Round of 16, Match 56 - 1H v 2G
Quarterfinal, Match 57 - W53 v W54
(Pretend this is Craigslist in the comments section.)
7) Complete the following sentence: When I get robbed in Johannesburg, I hope they don't take _________.
"...my malaria medication or the US Soccer scarf I just ordered."
I'm gonna need that scarf when it gets cold and/or if/when I catch malaria. It would also suck to lose my most prized piece of World Cup paraphernalia, my 1990 World Cup hat. I think it should be safe.
Other than being Italian and 'Campioni del Mondo'? Match fixing. The Azzurri are the only ones ballsy enough to set up a match fixing ring and then lay back and get caught. It actually kind of mimics their play: Get out to a 1-0 lead and then pack it in, control the ball and hope for the best. Match fixing scandals happened going into the 1982 World Cup and then again before the 2006 World Cup, and what did they do? They went on and won the World Cup both times. Unfortunately, we are running out of days for another 'Calciogate' to surface. (Vomit noises.)
9) Who has the cooler scars: Carlos Tevez or Frank Ribery?
In the pantheon of scars these two probably land somewhere between Tina Fey's and Sloth's from the Goonies, which doesn't really narrow it down all that much. They both have sad and similar childhood stories behind them, so that's a wash. Ribery's is more like Sloth's and Tevez's is probably closer to Tina Fey. By shear proximity to Tina Fey, Tevez's scar gets the nod.
(I just watched Goonies again last night, and man, I never realized how it's basically just a bunch of kids yelling. I actually watched a good thirty minutes on mute, it was so annoying. My childhood is officially dead.)
10) True or False: Slovenia is a real country.
Even their tourism photos look photoshopped. Come on, who are they trying to fool?
Take it back. Goonies is sacred.
ReplyDeleteI know nothing about Goonies. But I like the new "banner" (or whatever it's called) for this blog. Nicely done.
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