Nemeses: Cristiano Ronaldo

Before I say anything else, I will admit, up front, that Cristiano Ronaldo is very good at soccer.  This is not a rant about his legitimacy as a world class talent, nor is this a rant about how his weakness in certain areas devalues him as a player.  If he were a marginal footballer, I obviously wouldn't feel as strongly about the man as I do.

So, before we begin, let's get one thing clear:  I'm not here to say that Cristiano Ronaldo sucks.  This goes so far beyond anything as simple as that.

WHY CRISTIANO RONALDO IS RUINING SOCCER



Reason the First:  Narcissism.

Dear readers, do any of you know Ronaldinho's real first name?  I'll give you a hint.  In Portuguese, "inho" means "little."  You got it?  Really?  Whisper it to me.  By god, you're right.  You're so smart.  I want to date you.

For those of you who aren't in the know, Ronaldinho's real name is Ronaldo.  Ronaldo de Assis Moreira, if you want to be specific.  But when he was coming up in the world, there was already another Ronaldo, the Real Ronaldo, the True Ronaldo, the Fat, Amazing, Transvestite-Hooker-Respecting Ronaldo: Ronaldo Luís Nazário de Lima.

So what did Dinho do?  He went by something else.  He went by Ronaldinho Gaucho.  Partially to make his own name, but mostly out of respect.

Years later, along comes a young Portuguese player named Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro.  For a long while, he goes by his first two names, which is acceptable.  It's a little off, as he has roughly 30 other names to choose from, but you know what?  It's not a big deal.  He plays for Nacional, then Sporting Clube before securing a transfer to Manchester United at the age of 18.  Just a kid, he moves to England, starts featuring in his national team, and is playing some brilliant football.

Six years pass.  Titles are won, goals are scored and a legend grew.  But with that legend, also came an unshakable ego.  Haughty, vain, as much image as player, Cristiano is now an international superstar.  He's starting to get restless in Manchester.  He's too big to be stuck in England.  He expresses his wish to leave the club and Real Madrid splashes out $160 million to purchase his services.

Pause.  Rewind just two years.

Ronaldo has been at Real Madrid since 2002.  In his time at the club, he's scored 105 goals over 5 seasons, logging a strike rate of one goal for every two appearances, despite being plagued by injuries during his time in Spain.  He wears the number 9 and is adored by the fans up until his transfer to AC Milan.

Back to the summer of 2009.

Cristiano Ronaldo is introduced to the Real Madrid fans in the Bernabeu.  The stadium is completely packed.  Cristiano walks out to meet the fans, wearing this jersey:

Call me old fashioned, but when I saw this, I got mad.  At United, I accepted seeing just RONALDO on the back of his jersey.  As much as I was annoyed by him choosing to use that name in the first place, when he could have easily gone by simply Cristiano, I felt like there was enough separation between the two players for it to be an acceptable choice.  This, however, was beyond the pale.

The ultimate testament to his narcissism is in the choice of number.  At United and on the national team, CRonaldo has always gone by either 7 or 17.  He not only has the gall to wear a jersey that only says Ronaldo, but he has taken the number from the real Ronaldo, as well.  It's as if he is attempting to outdo the great Brazilian, to seize the identity of Ronaldo and run with it, erasing memories of the one who came before.

Reason the Second:  Red October

Many fans of the game (myself included) will usually point to the Italians as the world's worst/best actors.  CRonaldo is up there, though.  Observe.





What makes his diving so bad, at least for me, is that when he chooses to stay up and play through challenges, he can score some incredible goals.  He's a big, strong player.  It's not like he's an injury prone, wisp of a guy.  The few times I've seen him shrug off tackles, I've seen glimpses of the player he could become, the player I wish that he was.

Imagine someone with his skill level who played with less petulance.  He would be universally adored.  He would be Messi.

Reason the Third:  Languages.

This one is pure jealousy.  Cristiano Ronaldo speaks three languages.  I only speak one.  Ego, meet crippling doubt.

Reason the Fourth:  Fancy Pants

At the beginning of this missive, I stated that I was not here to tell you that CRonaldo sucks.  Okay, I kind of lied.  He sucks a little.



There's no doubting he's a very skillful player.  But what is all that skill good for?  A well placed move is a life-saver.  As a youth, I was never encouraged to learn how to do moves, because Americans are generally not encouraged to be creative as players.  More on that another day.

I like moves.  I wish I was a better, faster dribbler.  I watch people with better footskills than I have and drool.  But I think that, as with anything in life, there's a saturation point for trickery with the ball.  The best moves out there are quick, elegant and devastating.  Sometimes, CRonaldo chooses to do one of those kind of moves.  Other times, he just dances.

Skill for the sake of skill is counterproductive.  I've heard the argument that "He's an entertainer!  He's out there to wow the fans," and, at the risk of sounding like an old white guy after seeing And 1 basketball for the first time, my response is "What about the fundamentals?"  Winning, more than anything, puts fans in the seats.  While Cristiano's more Sisyphean moves are usually entertaining, they almost always go nowhere.  They don't help the team.  They don't help the scoreline.  The only thing they serve to do is make the fans say "Oh!  That looked cool."

And that's where the real problem starts.

Reason the Fifth:  Influence

Before moving back to Kansas, I lived in Washington, DC for a couple of years.  While there, I got into coaching, and it was through training a group of high school aged boys that I learned the true, terrible extent of the effect Cristiano Ronaldo had on the game of soccer.

Almost every single kid that I coached was technically miles ahead of where I was at their age.  They were fit, fast, knew how to shoot, knew how to dribble.  The problem was, only some of them knew how to pass.  They had it in their heads that juggling tricks, footskills and moves were the end-all, be-all of soccer.  When we played futsal, the emphasis was often on looking cool, seeing who could embarrass their opponent, who could beat their man and score by themselves.

This kind of attitude stems directly from the type of players these kids want to emulate.  I'm looking at you, Cristiano and all derivatives thereof.  When a young player decides to try and play like CRonaldo, he often unconsciously ignores most other elements that make a successful footballer; passing, positional awareness, defense, team play, hustle and fitness are often sacrificed in favor of footskills and dribbling.  Moreover, with Cristiano's brand of soccer on the rise, young players are not encouraged to find the style of play that best suits their skill-set.  They become more homogenous, different versions of the same player, separated only by the innate skills they possess which easily translate to a dribbler's game.

Reason the Sixth:

You are not attractive.  You have a huge neck, a weird, weasel face and a terrible personality.  I don't care how many abs you have.  It's not making up for the other stuff.

Reason the Seventh:

I personally blame you for soccer shoes costing more and more.  They cleats you wear cost over $300.00.  That's about 2250 rand.  Inexcusable.  Retail is like an arms race.  As soon as one company gets away with murder, everyone wants in on the action.  The end result?  Copas now cost over a hundred dollars.  Before this year, those things were fucking recession proof.  They'd been $89.99 since 1924.  Fuck.

Endgame:  I hate Cristiano Ronaldo so much it makes me want to piss.  He's ruining everything.  Everything.

-ZGS