Hate

I like to consider myself a pretty egalitarian fan when it comes to international soccer.  

What I mean is, besides the USMNT, I root for a wide variety of teams.  Of the 32 teams in this year's competition, I would be happy with four or five winning the whole thing, and I wouldn't mind an additional seventeen or eighteen performing well.  In a game where I have no distinct loyalty, I tend to answer the question of "Who am I pulling for?" by answering an even easier question:  "Who do I hate more?"  

The rubric for who I hate is fairly ephemeral.  It could be something to do with world history, it could be something to do with a single player being kind of a dick.  For example, in the Group H match between Chile and Switzerland, I'll probably root for Chile because A) Spanish is better than French or German, and B) let's face it, the Swiss are kind of a bunch of pussies.  It's not a scientific process, but it's actually pretty consistent.

Despite what I consider to be a fairly open-minded outlook on things, there are still some teams out there that I completely loathe.  By the time the World Cup kicks off, I will have told you why I "hate" 31 out of the 32 teams, but let me make myself clear:  The words I write today, I mean with every single cholesterol soaked ounce of my heart.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - PORTUGAL EDITION

Dear Portugal-

I hate your team so much.  

First, let me bring up that time in 2002 when the USMNT beat you 3-2 and you didn't advance from the group.  Ha!  That was AWESOME.  That said...

I hate your style of play.  It's almost pretty, but there's too much dribbling, too much selfishness.  I hate your collective sense of style.  It's greasy.  Half of your players walk on to the pitch looking like Dapper Dan men.  Not only do a lot of you look mad greasy, but you play like it, too.  I hate your players.  Deco seems, anecdotally, like a fairly down to earth dude, but the rest of you are a bunch of a-holes, you a-holes.

In the World Hierarchy of Histrionics and Cheating, you come in second, only losing out to those cockbreath Italians.  Remember that game in the Quarterfinals  of the 2006 tourney where your team got 9 yellow cards and two reds?  I do.  All this was in addition to Fat Face Figo faking roughly 37 injuries, headbutitng a player, perjuring himself in front of a Grand Jury, murdering a family of four and writing a bad check.

A-holes.

I hate your team because Pepe and Bosingwa look like aliens (Note:  I'm referring to Area 51 style aliens, not "They mostly come out at night, mostly" Aliens).  Now, I know Bosingwa will not be at the tournament this summer, but that doesn't mean he isn't from the most evil part of space.

I hate your team because of it's colonial roots.  I mean, hegemony much, lately?  Let's count a semi-complete list of the countries you've had a bad influence on:   Cape Verde, Guinea Bissau, Angola, Mozambique and Brazil.  While your national team benefits from these colonial connections, my opinion of you does not.  Oh yeah, and your country's greatest player, Eusébio, wasn't even really from your country, he was from one of those marginalized regions, Mozambique.

Really, I should also list England and Spain as countries you've had a bad influence on, thanks to Cristiano Ronaldo, the bane of my existence.  CRonaldo gives your whole country a bad name.  I want to delve into this further, but I'm afraid to get started, as I'm not sure I have the time and I'm not sure my readers have the attention span to deal with how long of a post talking about Fuckface would force this to become.  More on CRonaldo later, I promise.*

Beyond Cristiano, there is a final reason I hate Portugal with a passion almost unrivaled:  They are trying to ruin the ocean.

You heard me right.  The Portuguese are trying to ruin the ocean.  

In light of recent events, you may be tempted to point to BP, the US and the hot, sexy Oil-on-Gulf action going down off the Louisiana Coast as the largest current threat to ocean health, but if you did, you'd be an idiot.

What about THIS:

Meet the Portuguese Man o' War.  Looks like a jellyfish, right?  Well, it's not.  It's actually a siphonophore (loosely translated:  a terrible act of teamwork), "four kinds of minute, highly modified individuals, which are specialized polyps and medusoids."  MEDUSIODS!  I didn't bother to click on the link that would explain what that means, but it sounds terrifying.

According to Wikipedia, the PMoW is big:  "[b]elow the main body dangle long tentacles, which occasionally reach 22 meters (66 ft) in length below the surface, although 10 meters (30 ft) is the average."  30 feet is the average!  The tentacles are laced with venom which will sting, burn, poison and eventually kill you.**  Kill you!***

What did the rest of the world ever do to you, Portugal?  What did we do to deserve this fate?  I will never understand why your country decided to create these beasts, and more than that, I will never forgive the offense.

Portugal, I hate your team.  I hate your country.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate.  A-holes.

-ZGS

PS:  Ronaldo Report - Ramen Noodles with Peppers, Onions and Thai Chili Sauce.

*Look for a full fledged analysis of why I hate Cristiano Ronaldo on Wednesday in a recurring section I'm calling "Nemeses."

**By "eventually kill you," I mean very rarely lead to death.

***Ok, maybe not.  Sorry for trying to make this interesting.