Friday, May 28, 2010


Let's face it:  Being milquetoast is some countries' bread and butter.  God, I'm hungry.  Hold on a second while I think of other delicious milquey foods.

Milk Steak from dalboz on Vimeo.

Oh, Charlie.  You're so silly.

Anyway, just because a country pretends to be all nice and kind and progressive and BORING, doesn't mean that's their true nature.  If you look deeper, you'll often see quite the opposite.

You're up, Denmark.  Time to pay the piper.


Dear Denmark-

Holy shit, your nickname is ridiculous.  Danish Dynamite?  Really?  REALLY?  That's the best you could come up with?  Let's break down exactly why this might be the worst nickname at the tournament.

1)  Your nickname ENCOURAGES a particular brand of railraod-centric-Wild-West TERRORISM.  Dynamite once existed solely for the use of cowboy robber gangs in rollicking train heists.  Do you really want to bring that back?

2)  Just because you use alliteration doesn't mean you're clever.  I know plenty of youth teams with names like Purple Panthers and Red Raiders.  Calling yourselves Danish Dynamite is Terribly Trite.

3)  What does dynamite have to do with Denmark, anyway?  Nothing.  Look, I get the inference you're going for, but it's actually not true.  Even in your heyday, you were consistently outclassed by your Total Football neighbors in the offensive department.  I don't like being lied to.

With that in mind, let's clear something else up:  You are not a Scandinavian nation.  I don't care if Copenhagen can touch wieners with Malmo across the channel, you're still on the European mainland.  If you were Scandis, then why do you suck so hard at hockey?

The majority of your land mass touches Germany, and as such, the majority of your bullshit excuses hold no water with me.  There is no amount of ethnographic study that can convince me otherwise.  At best, you're Scandinavi-ish.


But what about your players?  I've got some news for you:  They're a bunch of bitches.

Daniel Agger, in addition to being a hack of a player, your tattoos are ludicrous.  I'm not opposed to tatts per se, but body art for the sake of body art is short-sighted and juvenile.  The sleeve on your right arm comes from the school of tattoo theory where you throw a bunch of stupid shit on your arm in an effort to cover base geography,  ignoring whether it's thematically meaningful or cohesive.  "Umm... give me some Viking shit.  And some fire.  And a cross.  And some latin.  And a snake.  And a picture of a hot dog.  I love hot dogs.  Wait, don't forget a tribal symbol.  I want to make sure people know I'm a douche."

Oh, Nicklas Bendtner.  You may play for Arsenal, but club association will not protect you from my wrath.  You've scored 36 goals in 124 appearances for the Gunners, which is roughly 1 for every four games you feature in.  That sounds ok, right?  Well, it's not.  With the exception of your hat-trick against Porto last year, you've never scored an important goal.  Never.

Same goes for your output with the Danish national team.  11 goals in 32 games sounds like a decent strike rate, but tallying 7 of your goals against the likes of Iceland, Northern Ireland and Albania doesn't really get my juices flowing, if you catch my erection/drift.

Add your impotence on the field to the fact that you're one of those TERRIBLE Europeans who thinks he's the definition of Hip-Hop, and I'm actually pretty sure you're more of a douche than Agger.  Give it up.  You were born in Copenhagen, which may have some poorer areas, but isn't exactly South Central.

Oh yeah, and then there was that time you couldn't keep your pants up when you went out partying.  Keep it classy.

Denmark, I hope you blow up at the tournament this summer.  Blow up like the Challenger.



  1. how can you hate some one as yummy as Bendtner?

  2. A Challenger reference, really? Way to keep it classy, Zach

  3. he was too young then to understand