Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Prediction vs. Conviction, Part Three.

Welcome to Prediction vs. Conviction, in which I explain what teams I realistically want to advance from group play versus what teams I actually think will advance from competition.

Before we begin, I want to point out one thing:

That leopard has a camel-toe.  Way to mix animal-metaphors.  Sheesh.

Group E - Netherlands, Denmark, Japan and Cameroon

Want:  Netherlands and Cameroon.

Oh Japan, your coach said you were going to make the semi-finals and midfielder Keisuke Honda said that you were going to go all the way, but you're both SO wrong.

Denmark, your strength is in your organization and team effort.  You have forward Nicklas Bendtner, who's hair looks like a duck's butt.  You're going to tie Japan.  That's it.

Have you ever seen the Dutch play?  Oh god, are they good.  I know people say this every year, but I really think this tournament might finally be the time for the Netherlands to taste glory.  While ultimate victory may or may not come to pass, expect the Dutch be in a comfortable enough position to rest their stars on the last day of group play.

Cameroon is a really tough draw this year.  They have a beefy midfield, anchored by Makoun and Song, and with Eto'o up top, danger lurks around every corner.  Add that to the fact that every single person on the African continent would have sex with Eto'o, they're going to have a large crowd edge wherever they go.  Okay, that last part might be unfounded.  Whatever.

Will:  Netherlands and Cameroon.

There's no real creativity in either the Danish or Japanese sides.  Creativity is key.  No one in this group is going through on ties.

Group F - Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand and Slovakia

Want:  Paraguay and Slovakia.

I hope that defending champions Italy choke on their [insert pasta product] before they even get on the plane.  Oh, I hate you guys so much.  When you get knocked out, I will LAUGH.

New Zealand, let's get one thing straight:  I like you.  A lot, in fact.  But are you going to score a single goal?  Odds are 15/1 against.  Not that I condone sports gambling.

Paraguay, I don't know that much about you, but what I do know, I like.  Roque Santa Cruz can ball, regardless of his limited playing time at Man City, and your team qualified for South Africa in third place, behind Chile and Brazil.  Also, I think there should be a lot of empathy between US and Paraguayan fans, as both teams lost an important player to freak injuries before the games in Charlie Davies and Salvador Cabanas (who was shot in the freaking head in the bathroom at a bar, but is somehow on the mend).

Slovakia is a surprise qualifier from UEFA, finishing top of a group that was expected to crush them.  If Martin Skrtel (yes, that's a real name) is fit, the defense will be solid.  With midfielders Vladimir Weiss (the coach's son) and Marek Hamsik (he of the incredible hair) creating for in form forward Stanislav Sestak (the opposite of a Sleestak), the offense has the potential to be dangerous, as well.

Will:  Italy and Paraguay.

Italy are a bunch of poops, but I have to be realistic; they'll get through.  Slovakia and Paraguay will fight each other for the second spot, but I feel that Paraguay will come out the stronger.  They have more experience on the big stage, and with bad performances in the past two tourneys, they're due.


  1. Not only do I hate Italy, but I especially hate Giuseppe Rossi. If you're American and don't hate him, you are a terrorist and you despise freedom and baby eagles.

  2. There are two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures.

    And the Dutch.

  3. The links in this post are incredible.

  4. Is Stanislav Sestak related to Adm. Joe Sestak, the Specter-killer?

  5. I'd move that the last comment be stricken for trying to bring politics into what has always been a clean sport.