Atlantis

And we're back.

Logic presupposes a couple of things. First, I should probably be profiling another country right now, flexing my verbalest of chops and impressing you with my unique ability to toe the line between insightful and insipid. Second, the most likely target for my carefully crafted dick-jokes should be the USMNT's last group opponent. With that in mind, I pointed and clicked my way over to FIFA's official World Cup 2010 website, to check out who the last team in Group C might be.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that "team" was supposedly Slovenia.


I mean, SERIOUSLY, FIFA?!? Seriously? Despite what "facts" our new friend and correspondent Craig might have tried to tell us about The Geographic Region Apparently Known as Slovenia, the jury's still out on whether or not it exists/has ever existed. Slovenia is a fantasy, a myth. To the best of my knowledge, we might as well be playing Atlantis.

So, I figured that if I was forced to write about a fantasy country, a land built entirely on lies, I might as well write about one that can be more easily defined. With that in mind, I present to you:

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - NORTH KOREA EDITION

North Korea is completely insane. Completely. Fucking. Insane. Now, I know it's not the players' fault. Really. I do.

In spite of that, I just can't condone anyone rooting for your team. Let's make a five item list to understand why:

1) Supposedly, your team captain is Hong Yong-Jo. That's not true. Your captain is Kim Jong Il.
2) Supposedly, you will be lead by star striker Jong Tae-Se. That's not true. Your star striker is Kim Jong Il.
3) Supposedly, Ri Myong-Guk will deputize between the sticks. That's not true. Your goalkeeper is Kim Jong Il.
4) Supposedly, your midfield playmaker is Mun In-Guk. That's not true. Kim Jong Il orchestrates your attack.
5) Coach Kim Jong-Hun leads a team of mostly domestic players. That's not true. Your coach is Kim Jong Il.

Lately, most reports coming out of North Korea indicate that the man nicknamed The Immortal Flower is sick, so you can expect his footballer charges to try and win one for the gipper, so to speak. And, even if the irony of his last name as an english pun eventually gets the best of Il, don't worry, he's got a capable heir in his son Kim Jong Un.

But I wouldn't count him out, just yet. You see, Kim Jong Il can do anything! He routinely shoots three or four hole-in-ones when he plays golf! He's composed six operas! He's an expert on the internet! All that, and a Michael Jackson obsession and penchant for fashion and multiple supposed mistresses and numerous human rights violations? Where's he going to find the time to die?

For all the tight media control, tight border control and tight shades North Korea rocks on the daily, it might as well be a fictional country. It might as well be Atlantis. Let's examine the following questions that could apply to either place. Have you ever been there? Can you point to where it's supposed to be on the map? Are the people happy?

North Korea, I hate your team because if you do well, your successes will glorify a madman. I hate your team because none of you will defect when you're in South Africa. I hate your team because it isn't real.

I hate your team because it represents a lie.

-ZGS

PS: Ronaldo Report- Penne with peppers and sauce.