Overlap.

The World Cup is barely two weeks away, and I feel like I'm behind the ball.

So far, I've only told you why I hate 10 of the 31 teams I plan to profile, and with fifteen days to go, I really need to step up my game.  My goal is to avoid sacrificing quality in the interest of meeting a deadline, but I'm really not sure what's going to happen.

Let's find out together.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - SOUTH KOREA EDITION



Dear South Korea-

Way to promote stereotypes, South Korea.  No, seriously.  Here I sit, a champion against racism, and even I am struggling to maintain an open mind.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about the idea that all Asians look alike.

When you're not familiar with most of the players on a team, jersey names are a good way to learn who's who and who plays where.  So, as the Taeguk Warriors aren't exactly a bunch of superstar players, I need to study them a bit to feel like an educated fan.

But South Korea refuses to help.  Let's talk about the incredible overlap in names on the 30 man SoKo squad:

KIM - 7
LEE - 7
SUNG - 3
YOUNG - 3
CHO - 2
DONG - 2
PARK - 2

Let's be real for a second, unless we're doing medium or close-up shots, the majority of you are going to look very similar on screen.  The same goes for if there are a bunch of shaved head white guys or black dudes with braids running around.  Without any major visual cues to go off of, I'm going to have to rely on names and numbers, and with so muck fucking overlap, I'm going to spend every game of yours that I watch feeling like a big fat racist.  Thanks for that.

While we're on the subject of names, I'm actually not even sure how to say most of yours.  The most famous Korean player is Park Ji Sung.  Or is that Ji Sung Park?  No westerner knows.  So, if you're a Korean expert, let me know how the order goes.  Otherwise, I'm just going to keep being pissed off every time I talk about any of your players, because once again, they make me feel like a racist.

My last quibble on the subject of names is with Lee Dong Gook.  Let me repeat:  Lee Dong Gook.  Lee.  Dong.  Gook.

This is possibly the most unfortunate name in the history of names.  It's as if his parents got together and planned out what would be the most stereotypical combination of words.  Let's time travel back to the moment they decided to fuck him for life:

MOM:  What's the most common AsiaName you can think of?
DAD:  Chang.
MOM:  Too Chinese.  Think broader.
DAD:  Lu... Liu... Li!
MOM:  Two Es.  Lee.  Perfect.
DAD:  Okay, now what's a word that translates into English in a hilariously unintentional way?
MOM:  Wang.  Booyah.
DAD:  Too overt.  I like the penis genre, though.
MOM:  Peng?  NO!  I got it.  Dong.
DAD:  Yesssssssssss.
MOM:  Last challenge.  What's just patently offensive?
DAD:  Easy.  I got this on lock.  Prepare yourself.
MOM:  Ready.
DAD:  Gook.
MOM:  Game over.

Gook (God, I feel terrible typing that) will miss the tournament opener versus Greece due to the injury, but look for him later on.

Oh, and guess what?  Your team is old.  And boring.  You're the Germany of Asia, a bunch of brainless, marching automatons.  Yeah, you're all extremely fit, but who cares about being in shape?  I want some flair, some pizazz.  If you get anywhere in this competition, it's because you defended your way there, not because you outwitted anybody with your slick moves or passing.  The day that I accept the phrase workman-like as a huge compliment is the same day I cut my jigglies off.

Jesus.

Personal Note:  It's a well know fact that in 2002, you co-hosted the World Cup with Japan.  What you may not know, South Korea, is that in doing so, you nearly ruined my life.  You see, Korea is like a million light years away on the other side of the galaxy, so in order to watch all the games, I had to wake up at three in the morning or some shit.

That summer, my schedule was terrible.  I was working, going to school, playing soccer and dating a guy who lived thirty minutes away, so my days went roughly like this:

0330 - Wake up.  Watch three games of soccer.
0930 - Drive to Lawrence for class.
1015 - Class for two and a half hours.
1300 - Sleep at home.
1400 - Go play pick-up for two hours.
1700 - Go to work.
2300 - Drive to KC.
0100 - Bed.

It was an amazing summer, but it was absolutely terrible, at the same time.  There was a period of about two weeks where I literally didn't shower, choosing instead to spray myself off with a hose in the back yard, because between working, playing and being constantly on the move, I was ALWAYS sweating.  Have you ever been in Kansas over the summer?  It's sweltering.  And my car didn't have AC.  And I worked in a hotasfuck kitchen.  And I was 19.

You did this to me, Korea!  Not just your country, but your team.  I was super into you.  I wanted you to do well.  You made it to the semis.  That game versus the Germans, I almost shit my pants from cheering so hard.  You were enthralling.  Fourth place is more than respectable.

I was a delirious, disgusting slob for you, and only in retrospect can I see how horrible my behavior was.  No adult with access to a bed and a shower should forgo hygiene and sleep for the sake of televised sports.  It's all your fault.  I can't believe what you turned me into.

South Korea, I hate you with a righteous fire in my gut.  Yes, you deserve to die, and I hope you burn in hell.

-ZGS

PS:  Ronaldo Report - La Familia, Mitchell's Special.
PPS: