That doesn't mean he's not good for a few ridiculous opinions, though.
BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN - The Ben Edition
Interview conducted via email. Additional commentary provided in parens.
1) You're reasonably middle class. How come you're not going to South Africa for the tournament?
Children are expensive. Making my wife angry with me because she has to watch children for an extended period of time with no supportive husband would have an unhappy result. That said, I came within a hair of purchasing tickets.
(Supportive husbandry is a modern invention. It didn't exist until about 60 years ago. Your wife would have been fine.)
2) Pretend you're Bob Bradley. Who's in the US starting eleven?
Wait, let me lose some more hair and look a little more stoic. Okay. Now that I'm in character, here are my world beaters:
Goal: Brad Friedel. Wait, he didn't get selected to the 30 man roster? Fine. Then I'll take #$(%@!*& Tim Howard.
Defense: Oguchi Onyewu (aka Gooch. What an imaginitive nickname), Carlos Bocanegra (soccer teams need guys named Carlos on them to be authentic), Steve Cherundolo (Cherundolo sounds like either someone you don't want to mess with or some kind of birth control. Either one prevents scoring, so he's good) and Jonathan Spector (he plays for West Ham, so he must be [legit]).
Midfield: Landycakes (Captain), Michael Bradley (How could I not start my son here? Actually, he is pretty good.), Ricardo Clarke and Clint Dempsey. Unfortunately Dempsey's naturally a forward. I'm Bob Bradley, so I have to play a 4-4-2, so Clint'll have to play on the wing, and push up into a 4-3-3 formation at times.
Up Front: Jozy Altidore (nuff said), and Herculez Gomez (if your name is Herculez you had better be awesome.)
(First of all, stop using parentheses. That's my thing. Second, boy am I glad you're not Bob Bradley. Dempsey should be starting up top with Altidore, with Donovan, Edu, Bradley and Holden through the middle. Your defense is solid, except for Cherundolo being subbed out for Jay DeMerit.)
3) Have you ever been to the World Cup?
Yes, you were there with me in Dallas, you nimrod. We went to the Sweden v. Random Middle-East team group match. Vikings vs. Dervishes. Vikings won.
(For the record, it was Sweden versus Saudi Arabia. Henrik Larsson played in that game. He was 22 at the time. He only retired from international football last year, after featuring in FOUR World Cups. Crazy.)
4) If you had to choose one footballer to star in a remake of Blacula, who would it be?
Finalists = Ledley King, Didier Drogba, Sol Campbell and Emmanuel Adebayor. Ledley is a little too bumbling to pull it off, Sol is slightly too... big. Adebayor is a little too tall. Which leaves the winner: Didier Drogba. He would look good in a black cloak, and he may already have fangs.
(Drogba is probably the best answer to this question--he's got the hair, the cheekbones, and the proclivity for sullen stares. You're right about Sol Cambell being in the running, though. He certainly knows how to suck.)
5) Besides the United States, who do you want to see go far this summer?
Why do you hate America?
(Okay, nitpicker, allow me to rephrase the question. What team do you want the US to beat in the finals?)
6) Assuming I never procreate, which one of your kids is handling my affairs?
Jury is still out, but odds on favorite is Sophia. Based on her current interests, your estate will be spent on art supplies and Berenstein Bears videos.
(Excellent. I'm considering this to be a binding legal document.)
7) If you had to choose one of the monsters from the children's book Where the Wild Things Are as a goalkeeper, which one do you think has the right stuff?
The intimidating choice is the blue bull-thing, but the correct answer is the agile monkey-thing.
8) Pretend you're suddenly gay. Which Spanish player are you taking to Second Chance Prom?
Okay, I'm suddenly gay. I was going to make a joke about how I need to change how I dress, but then I remembered how you dress and realized that stylish and gay are not, in fact, synonymous. Ergo I can continue wearing my adidas warm-ups.
(Oooooh, snap!! Burn!!!!!)
The flashy choice is Torres even though he's not even the better of the strike pairing. He's a little too self-absorbed. And he plays for Liverpool. No go. Xavi is the guy who would go in the all-white tux with tails and a cane and make it look good. I appreciate his flair and creativity, but no. Fabregas is intriguing, but the clear-cut choice is Iker Casillas. He is probably the best goal-keeper on the planet right now, has a solid facial hair and maintains the necessary self-confidence and cool to catch my eye. Also receiving consideration: Busquets and Xabi Alonso (I just couldn't bring myself to seriously consider a guy who's name sounds like "shabby").
(This was a trick question. If you're suddenly gay, you're not going to prom, you're GOING TO HELL!)
9) Where is Asia and why should I care?
What is your deal with trying to save strippers? You shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself. (I'll admit, he got me here. Asia is a pretty solid stripper name.)
10) True or false: Slovenia is a real country.
True. What are you, a racist?
(You telling me that I'm racist is like the pot calling the kettle the N Word.)
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