Day Nineteen Wrap Up.

The picture you see to our right is a visual reference for how likely I am to talk about each of the countries that played yesterday.  Is it fair to skew my coverage as such?  Probably not.  Am I going to do it anyway?  You betcha.

The crux of the issue is this:  I'm lazy and you're all just going to have to deal with it.

Man on the Street - Volume 4

Matt sent me another email tonight, the same night in which I beat my brother and my friend Scott in a Ten Tacos Race.  I am inebriated, so I'll post Matt's shit.  Right.  Now.

ENJOY.

Hair Dids - Volume Two.

The World Cup is a stage for some of the most stupid/awesome hairstyles you'll ever see.  In honor of Spain vs Portugal (which is happening RIGHT NOW), join me as we explore what each notably coiffured player in this game says to their barber before getting a haircut.

HAIR DIDS - VOLUME TWO.

Day Eighteen Wrap Up.

Dirk Kuyt clubbing his teammates over the head and carrying them back to his cave aside, is it just me, or are Brazil and The Netherlands the two most boring "dominant," undefeated teams to ever roam the face of the earth?  They make me want to throw up in my mouth!

Marry, Boff, Kill v 2.0

Marry, boff or kill?  In case you don't remember, the game is simple.



Or is it?

If you're a STRAIGHT DUDE or a TOTAL LEZ and you're reading this, you can still play along.  The whole point of MBK is to use your critical thinking skills.  It's ok.  Once again, I promise it's not a Gus Triandos situation.

Day Seventeen Wrap Up.

This is my 100th entry.  I find that to be kind of ridiculous.  Anyway.

Shock!  Controversy!  Fate!  Exclamations!  Feigned interest!

Hair Dids - Volume One.

I'm still upset from yesterday's loss, but I suppose it's time to move on.  In an effort to make myself feel better, I will now ruthlessly mock other people's personal appearances.  I hereby present to you:

HAIR DIDS - VOLUME ONE

The World Cup is a stage for some of the most stupid/awesome hairstyles you'll ever see.  Join me as we explore what each notably coiffured player says to their barber before getting a haircut.

Day Sixteen Wrap Up.

The horror, the horror.  Explore my heart of darkness.  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Day Fifteen Wrap Up.

The dust has settled on the first round of play.  Here are your second round match-ups:

South Korea vs Uruguay.  USA vs Ghana.  Netherlands vs Paraguay.  Brazil vs Chile.  Argentina vs Mexico.  Germany vs England.  Paraguay vs Japan.  Spain vs Portugal.

Shit is GOING DOWN faster than a FELLATIO REFERENCE.

Man on the Street - Volume 3

I got another email from Travis this morning.  It concerns America and Glory.  Read on, read on.

Fashion! - Groups G and H

Welcome back to the final edition of Fashion!

For the past six Fridays, my Feminine Side and I have gotten together to discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups at World Cup 2010.  At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.

This week, with the first stage ending, we tackle the final two groups.  Thanks for playing, folks.

Day Fourteen Wrap Up.

Something happened today that makes me very happy.  Read on to find out why.

Respond. React.

Check out this great compilation of reaction shots from yesterday's epic U-S-A victory.

It's AWESOME.

-ZGS

Man on the Street - Volume 2

Our stalwart reporter, Matt, just sent me an email from what I can only assume is Zimbabwe (wherever that is).

MAN ON THE STREET - VOLUME 2

Day Thirteen Wrap Up.

It's all happening now.  As you may or may not have heard, the USA is FUCKING AWESOME.  Ignore the images and listen to the song.  Yes.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  

Day Twelve Wrap Up.

I have a bit of advice for all the teams that played today.

Day Ten and Eleven Wrap Up.

So, yeah.  I missed a day.  I'm human.  Humans need sleep.  And to finish reading a Haruki Murakami novel.  Don't judge me.

Day Nine Wrap Up.

Hey World Cup teams:  I wrote you some letters!

Day Eight Wrap Up.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.  I've also seen some absolutely crazy shit today.  Check it out... for real.

Fashion! - Group F

Welcome back to Fashion!

Every Friday, my Feminine Side and I get together and discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups at World Cup 2010.  At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.

This week, we tackle Group F.

Soccer's Lost Boys

Want to feel depressed?  Want your depression to be topical in reference to Africa and the World Cup?



You're welcome.

-ZGS

Day Seven Wrap Up.

Remember yesterday when I was all complaining and shit?  Well, The Gods responded with 10 goals in one day.  Thanks, The Gods.

Summary: First Cycle of Games

The first cycle of games in the Group Stage has come and gone.  Would you like to talk about my feelings?

Day Six Wrap Up.

I'm a little stunned, given the events of today's games.  I feel a little violated, kind of like that time my SCABA baseball coach kept talking about giving me a massage.  Yuck to the 12th power.

Day Five Wrap Up.

It's a difficult debate:  Do I prefer being right or happy with the results of today's games?

Day Four Wrap Up.

There is some justice in the world, but not as much as I'd like.  Poopy.

For today's wrap up, I enlisted the help of a GIRL, my grood friend Jess Wdowiarz, who was kind enough to talk with me about soccer through the classiest of mediums: Facebook Chat.  Booyah.  Enjoy.

Seems about right.

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

All shapes and sizes.

Day Three Wrap Up.

Somebody finally scored some goals.  Too bad I hate their guts.

Day Two Wrap Up.

Oh, we're in it now.  I can only assume that Gooch's shirt is referring to the ethereal, transcendent talent that is Tim Howard.

Day One Wrap Up.

Day one is done. Group A games finished with two ties, one boring and one quite enthralling.

Fashion! - Group E

Welcome back to Fashion!

Every Friday, my Feminite Side and I get together and discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups at World Cup 2010.  At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.

This week, we tackle Group E.

Man on the Street - Volume 1

I got a couple of emails this morning that I'd like to share with you.  Travis and Craig are traveling together in South Africa.  This is part of their story.

A Message from Craig:

So yesterday was the biggest ordeal getting tickets, but it all worked out, thank god. They only have a couple outlets where you can pick up your tickets and the one at the airport had this extraordinarily long line (which I probably should have used anyway), so we went to the pickup spot in Pretoria. We ended up having to wait in line for 2 hours because their atm-like terminals were all down (imagine that in africa). 

Getting my tickets was easy because I just handed them my credit card and my id, and got the tickets, but the USA v England tix were the more difficult ones, as we had Rob's credit card, but not his ID. Travis pretended to be Rob, and said that he didn't have his ID because the directions said all you needed was the credit card (which they did), so we argued with the guy, and then he went and got his manager, but that didn't work, so I had the realization that I had my ID and my name was for one of the tickets, so I gave them my ID, the manager went back and checked and since everything checked out with me, they printed out the tickets for us. I was going to freak out if we couldn't get those tickets!

Anyway, it's crazy here. Travis heard his first vuvuzela at 5:30, but I wasn't woken up until 7:30. And we're not even downtown. When we get off the internet here, we're going to go to downtown Pretoria and watch the opening ceremonies and the games there. I'm so freaking excited. Everyone here is so super nice to us. They, as a country, are just as excited as we are. Tomorrow we're going to drive out to Rustenburg early and spend the whole day at the stadium. The tickets for the USA v England game are pretty damn good. We're about half way up, right at midfield in the USSF section. Look for us. I've got Charlie Davies 9's that I will be holding up at the 9th minute. As for today, maybe one of the bars will have WiFi, though I haven't found any wifi in this country yet, so I can chat in real time on my iphone. Either way, go Bafana Bafana!

All Nighter.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

World Crunk

If (god forbid) you're not a huge fan of soccer, here's an easy way to get more into the game:

Drink.

The World Cup is a great excuse to get Dr. Unk.  Drinking and soccer go together like, well, drinking and anything.  It's a phenomenon Stuff White People Like lampoons pretty effectively, but frankly, just because something is a bit of a stereotype doesn't mean you should shy away from it.  To wit, I would never expect an African American to not eat fried chicken--that shit is DELICIOUS.

The Deal.

Good afternoon, you cheating, preening racists.

The World Cup begins in two days (or maybe one, depending on how you count). I think it's about time we discussed exactly how things are gonna shake down once the games start.

I am not a housewife. Trust me, I'm more broken up about it than you are. I work and go to school, so as much as I'd like to sit at home all day and watch soccer, I just can't. That said, I will be recording all the games on my DVR, then watching them in one huge glut at night. And as I behold the glory, my sweaty ass slowly becoming one with my roommate's couch, I shall write.

So. The Deal:

I will post my analysis of all the game(s) every night, sometime before 12:00 AM. I will also provide a separate set of predictions for what you can expect from the match(es) on the morrow. During the day, I will likely throw some levity at you here and there, but I am not going to make any concrete promises on that front.

We good? Everything clear and rosy? Yeah. We good.

-ZGS

Beans don't burn on the grill.

It was bound to happen, folks.  BOUND to happen.



I am writing today to share my joy with you.  Last night, not only did I finish my profiles of all 31 teams not named The United States of America, but I also published my first post for the version of this blog being hosted on Lawrence.com, the online arts and culture magazine for the Lawrence Journal World.

Check my new shizz out here:  Two Worlds, One Cup v 2.0.

I Wish.

This is a diatribe.  I've been saving it for last for a reason.  Fasten your seatbelts.  There will be no pictures, no links, just straight up rhetoric.

Engage.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - FRANCE EDITION

What is Worst in Life? - Round Four.

Welcome back to WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? the timesaving version of WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM.

Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.

This week, we examine how succeeding in life is quite often a name game, but other times, it's definitely not.


WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - GREECE vs NETHERLANDS

What is Worst in Life? - Round Three.

Welcome back to WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? the timesaving version of WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM.

Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.

Up this week on the scales of justice?  The Eastern Blech.

WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - SLOVAKIA vs. SERBIA

Won't Get Fooled Again.

Well, well, well.  We're almost there.

Four posts to go before I've profiled the whole tournament.  I'm about as hyped up as a middle class white dude can get without four hours of straight High Lifing.  Today's receptacle for my stinging ire?  Cameroon, which, I think is in Africa.  Let's find out.

WHY I HATE  YOUR TEAM - CAMEROON EDITION

Thinning/Winning.

Tony Meola was the last of his kind.  First choice goalkeeper for the USMNT in the 1990 and 1994 World Cups, Meola struck an imposing figure between the frame.  6'1" and full of Italian-American stereotypes, it was his ponytail that made him the most famous.  I contend that, if Antonio Michael Meola had played any sport besides soccer in the United States, he would be remembered as one of the biggest characters/personalities to grace the pages of Sports Illustrated.  Everyone remembers the ponytail, but does anyone remember his ill-fated tryout for the New York Jets and its aftermath?  How about the time he quit playing soccer to star in the off-Broadway play, Tony n' Tina's Wedding?

Prisonball.

Imagine someone just told me they were rooting for the Aussies this summer.  There's really only one way I could respond to that, right?

"That's not a country.  THIS is a country."

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - AUSTRALIA EDITION

Goal Tan Laundry

I just noticed that Spain's midfield playmaker Xavi Hernandez is rocking The Blowout, made famous by the "stars" of MTV's anthropological reality series Jersey Shore.  Don't believe me?

There's a little less thickness/volume, due mostly (I'm guessing) to the lack of American industrial strength hair-dryers on the European market.  The concept is pretty much the same, though.  

Looking good, Xavi.  Let's go out creeping on the boardwalk.

Amor/Odio

Topeka, Kansas has a large Mexican population.  You wouldn't necessarily know it from the census data (Which is stupid, as it includes too much of the outlying county folk in its tally.  If you don't drive on Huntoon at least twice a week, you're not a Topekan), but trust me:  it's visible and significant.

Days after my 16th birthday, for whatever reason--be it fate or good looks or superior skills--I was asked by a hispanic guy (Gabe) from school to play on his team, Los Locos, in a local league called, brilliantly, Mexican League.  I don't want to make this post overly dramatic, but MEXICAN LEAGUE CHANGED MY LIFE.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part Five.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our resident (non) South African, Craig (aka Creeper Carty).  He's been living overseas for a while, pretty much dominating the city of East London.  With the World Cup starting THIS FRIDAY!!!!!, I figured it was time to bust out the big-guns, interview style.

The picture to our right is a photo of our hero perched on the lip of some sort of indicative South African landscape.  So.  Jealous.  If you want to know why I call him Creeper Carty, go to the bottom of this post.

Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women, Part Two.

In August of 2008, I went to London for the annual IGLFA championships.  While there, I rolled with a mishmash squad of players from DC, Philly, Denver, Toronto, London, Spain, Denmark, Mordor, Dagobah and the United States of Tara.  It was through said team that I ended up meeting Keph, the subject of today's Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women.

In September of 2009, Keph traveled to South Africa to work with some local charities, staying with another member of the above mentioned team, a Philly expatriate I call Creeper Carty (who you will soon meet).  Given time and inclination, I would suggest you check out Keph's blog, which chronicles her trip and its extended influence on her life at home.

Introduction complete, I present to you:

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN - KEPH EDITION

Terrified.

Yuck.

The US is tied 1-1 against Australia in the 20th minute off goals from Edson Buddle and Tim Cahill.  It's the final friendly before we play England in one week, and I don't care if we lose this game 1-7; all I want is for no one else to get injured before our actual games.  I guess if Findley wanted to score when he has an open goal, that would be nice, too.


You know, I think I might be the only person in America who likes vuvuzelas.  They don't sound pretty, but they add a rhythm to the game you don't often have at internationals.  National teams aren't like club teams in that it's harder to organize a solid fan-base who know all the songs, all the cheers, etc.  The presence of the vuvuzela at least lets you know that the spectators are always involved in the game.

I'll be away until tomorrow afternoon, but expect a robo-post I pre-wrote to show up sometime this afternoon.  The only other thing of note this morning is that Nigeria's star midfielder, John Obi Mikel, will now miss the tournament with an undisclosed injury.  If one more big player gets hurt, I will be officially convinced that South Africa is cursed.

-ZGS

Revelations.

THIS JUST IN:  


EVERY SINGLE PLAYER HEADED TO WORLD CUP INJURED IN FRIENDLY.


It's the end of days.

Fashion! - Group D

Welcome back to Fashion!

Every Friday, my Feminine Side and I get together and discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups featuring at the tournament next month.  At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.  This week, we tackle Group D.

Jozy is Hurt.

Ankle injury. Day-to-day.

This is not good news.  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Marry, Boff, Kill.

Marry, boff or kill?  The game is simple.



Or is it?

Let's throw down, World Cup style.  Oh, and if you're a STRAIGHT DUDE or a TOTAL LEZ and you're reading this, you can still play along.  The whole point of MBK is to use your critical thinking skills.  It's ok.  I promise it's not a Gus Triandos situation.

What is Worst in Life? - Round Two.

Welcome back to WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? the timesaving version of WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM.

Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.

Up this week on the scales of justice?

WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - GHANA VS NIGERIA

5-7-5 Formation.

Get ready for one big gimmick.  No, I'm not talking about Branson.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - JAPAN EDITION

Eating my words.

What is a man supposed to do when someone he hates with all his heart suddenly does something wonderful?

I've got my crack team of Portuguese translators (read: one Brazilian) working on the subtleties of the article I'm about to post below, but the most salient paraquotephrase is this, a response to a question about the recent ratification of a law to legalize gay marriage in Portugal:

"The Portuguese man that I am, I try to keep informed about what is happening in my country.  I know the law was passed and the comment it deserves is that we must respect the choices made by anyone, because, after all, all citizens should have the exact same rights and responsibilities." - Cristiano Ronaldo


I've really got to hand it to you.  As arguably the world's most famous athlete, this is an extremely progressive thing to say.  The tone is slightly passive, but still, it's a hell of a lot more than any American superstar has ever done.  Ultimately, I don't think this changes my opinion on your style of play, but it sure as fuck makes me think a lot more of you as a person.

Thank you for this, Cristiano.  Seriously.  Thank you.

-ZGS

PS:  Paraquotephrase stolen from here.

World Cup Personal Ads

The World Cup can be a great jumping off point for a player's career, especially if you come from one of the lesser known teams.  While it's likely we won't see anything on par with the amazing Michael Owen brochure from last summer, expect players to try and market themselves while in South Africa.  Whether it's through their play on the field or their time in the media spotlight, the next month is the perfect opportunity for every man involved to post his very own personal ad.

Today, we look at the Craigslist Ads posted by two of the players potentially on the hunt for a good team next year.

Nemeses: Thomas Rongen

I know I told you that I was planning on writing about Diego Maradona today, but you know what?  I'm quite often a liar.  A big, hairy, sweaty liar.  Today's addition to my ever-growing Axis of Soccer Evil is Thomas Rongen.

Now is the appropriate time to scratch your head and say "Whuuuuh?"

Have any of you seen that terrible movie The Butterfly Effect?  It's pretty much Ashton Kutcher, Amy Smart and the Fat Guy Who Stares at the Magic Eye Poster in Mallrats getting Punk'd over and over by alternate realities and space-time.