Panthers, etc.

I'm just going to go ahead and say what everyone is thinking:

Chile, your name sounds delicious.  Spicy, meaty and delicious.

If your team were actually a food, I would like you a lot more.  Instead, sucks to be you.  Here comes the diatribe.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - CHILE EDITION



Dear Chile-

I'm on to you, Marcelo Biesla.

You may be an OK coach, but you're not a great one.  There's a reason that, as an Argentine, you're no longer coaching your country of origin's team.  It's because you're a crazy person and a failure.  I mean, there's a reason your nick-name is El Loco.  My Spanish is a little rusty, but I'm pretty sure that means "Nuts Face" (nuts meaning crazy, not indehiscent seeds).   Back in the day, I remember you used to coach Argentina.  Remind me how that went, when you get the chance.

I'm talking shit now, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do it to your face.  Why?  Because you look like a straight-up SERIAL KILLER.  You're horrifying.  The glasses on the [whatever the term for a croake is when it isn't actually a croake], the wild hair, the death stare?  You're not even trying to hide it.  I'm afraid to open the stories about you cutting players from your squad that show up on my World Cup Google News Alert.  I'm afraid of the potential for literalism in verb form.

Interlude:  The shape of your country is ridiculous.  It's the Shawn Bradley of nations.  Really, you shouldn't even be a country at all.  I'd be fully behind an initiative to split you into two unequal pieces and annex them to Argentina and Bolivia.

You're a bunch of cheaters, Chile.  Filthy, stinky, unscrupulous buttmunches who don't believe in fairness or free speech.  I'm talking, of course, about this little incident from last fall.  Now, I'm no great legal mind Chile, but something seems fishy about this whole ish.  A fair hearing should be a person/entity's right, but somehow, when a World Cup bid is on the line, all of a sudden you just do FIFA's bidding.  One letter from an international sports governing body, and all of a sudden, Rangers don't feel the way they did the day before?  Everybody chant it with me:  CO-VER-UP!  CO-VER-UP!  CO-VER-UP!

Everything about you is just a little weird.  Your star striker, Humberto Suazo has a tattoo of a panther eating his nipple.  No.  Seriously.  Don't believe me?

Bam.  When this happened, did your entire nation cry?  It's that tragic.  It's even more tragic if Suazo got the ink to advocate panther-nipple-eating on a wider scale.  I don't want to be knocked down from behind and dragged into a tree by my neck, let alone my areola.

Last but certainly not least, let's talk about your nickname.

La Roja actually means The Red, but according to most internet translators, it means The Red One, which is stupid.  Negative 30 points for trying to confuse people.  Spain's national team is also known as La Roja, and even worse, they're in your freaking group.  Negative 40 points for unoriginality.  By calling yourselves The Red, you're trying to claim ownership of a color.  Negative 150 points for selfishness.

NOBODY owns a color, idiots.  It's like trying to own nature.  I thought Disney's version of Pocahontas taught us better.



Get your act together, Chile.  Stop being a big bag of dicks.  I hate you with a passion unrivaled.

-ZGS