Recession

Last Thursday, I attempted to talk with my little brother Alex about soccer via text message. Emphasis on attempted.

ZGS SMS: I am about to interview you for my new blog. Begin. You look like a cross between me and a Mexican version of our dad. What's up with that? (10:15 AM 5/13/2010)
AlexText: I have no idea how it happened, but i have always enjoyed being tanner. Probably the same way someone enjoys being tall. (11:31 AM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: Are you tall? (11:33 AM 5/13/2010)
AlexText: I'd say I'm a little above average height. (5:55 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: Narcissist. Anything else you want to brag about? (5:59 PM 5/13/2010)
AlexText: I'm not bragging. Just answering some blogger's text messages in an honest, less-than-160-characters manner. (6:07 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: So. Boring. Okay, soccer question: Who do you think will have the best male pattern baldness at World Cup 2010? (6:13 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: This is taking forever. Answer me. (9:08 PM 5/13/2010)
ZGS SMS: I don't love you anymore. (11:13 PM 5/13/2010)

I think he started ignoring my texts because I was basically smashing his face in with hard-hitting journalism.



You see, here at Two Worlds, One Cup, we're not afraid to ask the tough questions. Questions so hard it takes a conflict diamond to slice them apart. Questions so important they wear Lacoste and Blue Blockers with a Croakie. Questions so demanding, I'm struggling to come up with more imagery.

Who do you think will have the best male pattern baldness at World Cup 2010?

Before we dive in to the candidates for 2010, let's revisit the hands-down winner of the 2006 tournamnet, Esteban Cambiasso.


Holy hell, man. That's some amazing hair.

For this year's tournament, I've got three different categories: Players, Coaches, and Refs.

Up first on the catwalk, The Players.


Javier Mascherano's hair does a whole lot by doing so little. The widow's peak is magnificent. It's like historical record of all the places his hairline has been, extending exactly as far down his forehead as when he was twelve, just with tapering thickness. Speaking of historical, I think it makes him look like a Roman Centurion, which is totally badass. Imagine Mascherano stabbing Jesus with the Spear of Destiny. Javier keeps it short, and in doing so, shows us he's honest. There's no trickery going on here, just a sleek streamlined, coiffure. He looks like a shark.

On a more personal note, my afore mentioned younger brother looks extremely similar to Mascherano, and I like the idea that this could be a map of what his hairline could have in store.


Wayne Rooney is a singular creature. It's a well known fact that he's never eaten a vegetable in his entire life. He's a perfect example of what I call the Conservation of Hair-Mass Law. Simply put, hair mass can neither be created nor destroyed, just transferred from one place to another. Look at that Neck Beard! How far down do you think that goes? I like to imagine that there's a unbroken ring of hair wrapped around the Antarctic Circle of his head.

Not to be outdone, his hairline is bringing it, as well. So, yeah, it's receding, but it's thinning all over, at the same time. Double threat! Rooney is recently quoted as saying that his bald spot is helping him score more with his head, which makes total sense to me. This kind of balding is the total package; it's physical and emotional. It makes him a better player, it makes him a better person.

Up second for judgement, The Coaches.


Sven-Goran Eriksson is a coaching mercenary. He's managed four different clubs in the past four years, and hasn't done particularly well at any of them. Now, leading the Ivory Coast up against Brazil and Portugal in the Group of Death, Eriksson will need to pull something truly special out of his brain, which conveniently, is halfway exposed by his silly, silly haircut.

Eriksson is the proud owner of what I like to call the "I'll Keep Combing It, Damnit!" style of receding hairline. This style is usually owned by men who, in their more advanced years, can't reconcile themselves with a perfectly natural process. Unlike a 22 year old who is almost bald, at 62, Sven's had a lot of time to get used to the idea of not having a lot up top. You may have had partable locks back in the day, but this poofy, three inch long silver frame you've grown only serves to make you look ridiculous.


In sharp contrast to Eriksson, Vincente del Bosque is man who knows exactly what's going on upstairs. The thickness of his delicious mustache is another prime example of Conservation of Hair-Mass. Thin up top = thick on the lip. His head hair is both receding and thin, semi-gray and semi-green. Maybe he's spent a couple too many days in a row soaking in the hot tub and the chlorine's been taking its toll.

The best thing about Bosque is that he doesn't care a bit. He wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and thinks "This is exactly what I'm supposed to look like." No bones about it, the man doesn't look good, but he looks comfortable and realistic about what he's working with. Rest assured, in Del Bosque, the Spanish have a man who's not going to let his personal appearance get in the way of coaching. Plus, being forced to decide whether you're playing Xavi, Iniesta or Fabregas is enough to make anyone lose his hair.

Last on today's list, The Referees.


Martin Hansson's blowing the whistle on people who say you can't be going bald and have style. He's rocking the short crop, with a classy, well-groomed goatee. If you asked him, he might even claim he meant to lose his hair, because this was the look he was after, all along. Stroking his goatee during a conversation at a swanky loft wine tasting, his 23 year old model wife next to him on the chez, he explains how he tricked the hair from his forehead into migrating to around his lips and chin.

"It was actually quite simple. I explained to my forehead the look I was after, and it quickly complied. I mean, of course this is transplanted hair from my head; you can't get this kind of thick, luxurious facial coverage with regular beard and mustache hair. Anyone who claims otherwise is a rank amateur."


Carlos Simon is is a huge fan of leftovers. When his wife cooks, he always encourages her to make too much meat (at least, I assume they mostly eat meat, because that's what they serve at Fogo de Chao), so he can have a little bit later, rooting around in the refrigerator after dark.

Coincidentally, the name of Simon's hairstyle is "The Midnight Snack." The ravages of time and genetics have eaten away most of the hair in the front, leaving a small portion for another day, concealed neatly in a Tupperware above the eyebrows. The leftover shock isn't excessively long, but it's obvious he's intentionally saving it. A stronger man would have the will power to shave it off, to commit to being bald. Not Simon. He just can't let it go.

If you think there's better baldness to be seen at the cup, let me know. I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge on the subject, so please make suggestions.

That said, who do you think takes the cake?

Mascherano or Rooney?
Eriksson or Del Bosque?
Hansson or Simon?

Cast your vote in the comments.