Switzerbland.

Feel the romance.  Feel the longing.  Feel the boredom.  I've been sleeping off and on all afternoon/evening.  Read on to find out why.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - SWITZERLAND EDITION

Dear Switzerland-

I can't even believe how bored I am right now.  I've tried to write this letter at least seven times.  Maybe seven thousand.  I can't be sure.  I'm pretty sure there's something theoretical-wheelchair-physics-related going on here, like an alternate dimension I slip into every time I try and direct my attentions to your soccer team, a dimension where time moves at 1/136,000,842 the speed it does in Regular World.  Yeah.  That sounds about right.

How boring are you?  This boring.  I dare you to get through the following two quotes without wanting to tear your eyes out:

"I think we had a decent draw overall. It could have been a lot worse. Spain are the favourites, and it isn't going to be easy against Chile and Honduras. Our strength is that we are a tight-knit group both on and off the field. Our team spirit is our secret weapon." - Diego Benaglio, Goalkeeper

“Our goal is qualify from the group.  We’ve got three games to try and set up a dream match against Brazil. There’s a chance we could face them in the last 16 and for a small nation like ours, to get out of the group would be a fantastic achievement. That would do the country proud." - Stephane Grichting

Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.

I can't, cannot, CAN NOT imagine hanging out with these guys.  My second biggest fear in life is somehow finding myself in one of those super-WASPy family situations where nobody cares what anyone else has to say and we all eat dinner in thick bursts of silence and anger.  In my mind, the Swiss national team is exactly like the family in SNL's famous American Beauty sendup:



Coach Ottmar Hitzfeld is obviously Will Ferrell.

You know what else makes you boring, Switzerland?  How ingratiatingly nice you are.  You're like Norway, only, when Norway is all pleasant and shit, I think "How sweet!  They seem like a bunch of wonderful people."  When you start talking about being neutral and a friends of all nations and your soccer team sets reasonable goals and says respectful things about its opponents, all I can think is "Why are these people still talking at me?  I get it.  You're sooo cool and nice.  Fuck you.  Just.  Shut.  Up."

Switzerland, your team is the only entry into this summer's tournament where I can't name more than three of your players off the top of my head (besides North Korea, which doesn't count).  I know a shit-ton about soccer, and if your players are marginal to the point that I can't remember who they are, THAT MEANS YOU ARE BORING.

I suppose I should talk about the three players I do know.

Alexander Frei:  You love being a big fish in a small pond.  With the exception of your brief, failed stint in Germany, you've only played in Domestic leagues.  I'll tell you a secret about Swiss leagues... they're NOT GOOD.  If I played U-8, I'd score goals, too.  Your only redeeming quality is that you KIND OF look like that guy from Office Space.

Blaise Nkufo:  Sweet name.  Beefy player.  Goals on top of goals.  You escape my criticism for now.  For now.

Philippe Senderos:  I hate your face.  Literally.  Every time I see it, I have feel repulsed.  Vomit-in-the-upper-reaches-of-my-throat-repulsed.  And it's not even about the association between your face and defensive mistakes at Arsenal (I associate the sound of your NAME with defensive mistakes at Arsenal).  It's about your weird, ugly-pittbull-smashed-into-glass face.  Go away.

Switzerland, your favorite color is grey.  Your favorite food is bread.  Your favorite book is Atlas Shrugged.  You are the most boring entity I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with.

I hate you forever and ever and ever.  Amen.

-ZGS