Ledley King is drunk with power. Despite being unable to play more than one game every four weeks (hyperbole!), King was a surprise inclusion in Fabio Capello's 30 Man Roster. Injured knee aside, the Tottenham player has the firm backing of his manager, Harry Redknapp*, as well as the rest of the FA. Congratulations to Ledley. Ha. Ledley.
The United States and England meet on June 12th in the first Group C match of the tournament. Other Group C members include Where is Slovenia? and Algeria's Players that Weren't Good Enough to Emigrate to France.
Let's meet some of our of our opponents, yes? I am pleased to introduce the first of a thirty one part series:
WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - ENGLAND EDITION
Dear England-
I hate your team because White Americans love it. I hate your team because you have too few lions. I hate your team because it's full of dicks.
Racism: Okay, so maybe racism isn't the right word to use here, but it's a lot more fun to accuse people of being racist than being xenophobic. If you polled 100 average white soccer fans in America, I'm willing to bet that 50 them will list England as their favorite European team (the other significant teams followed being Germany - 15, Italy - 10, Ireland -10, and a meager France/Spain tie - 5 each). There are considerable reasons as to why such a discrepancy exists.
First, the English speak English. This is safe, comfortable and known. Second, we're brought up thinking that England is the best model for American soccer. We go to British Soccer Camps and fawn over any coach with an overdone cockney accent (Personal Vendetta: Adam Smith, you were from Brighton, you liar!). Third, unless you have direct, traceable lineage to one of the other countries I listed above, you are almost forced to root for England by default. As an American mutt (Jewish-Russian-German-Irish-Danish), I have no real allegiance. Before I started watching other leagues besides the EPL, I was an England fan simply because it was the easiest thing for me to understand, especially in an age where very few English National Team members ply their trade outside the United Kingdom. Every player was a known quantity, so it was easier being a fan.
Now, older, wiser and with no discernible Britblood in my sexy veins, I just can't stand Americans who root for England. Because their brand of soccer is so BORING. They're almost as bad as the Italians and their 8-1-1 lineups. Why do you think England hires foreign coaches? Why do you think England fawns over anyone with an ounce of creativity? As an American, to blindly root for England is to exhibit a vast unsophistication. If you were truly a fan of the game, a blank slate with no real allegiance, you should root for Spain. Or France. Or fucking Croatia. The only reason you root for England is because everything else seems way too foreign, and plus, there might be difficult names to pronounce.
Lions: Three Lions is stupid number of lions. There will be 23 players on your final roster. Are you telling me that only three of them get to be lions? Cameroon is nicknamed the Indomitable Lions, and does not suffer from any lion-related-problems. First, an Indomitable Lion is a really specific kind of Lion, leaving all the rest of Liondom for the world at large to enjoy. You, on the other hand, are taking three lions at random. And what do we know about them, really? Are they fierce? Are they loyal? Are they wise? Is one of them Brave John Terry? If so, I hate that lion the most of all.
Dicks: Speaking of Brave John Terry, your team is full of dicks. I actively dislike nine of your players as people, and an additional eight, based upon on-field-attitude. What follows is a list of english players I can stand.
David James, Peter Crouch, Emile Heskey, Darren Bent, Robert Green, Matthew Upson, Michael Dawson, Joe Cole, Tom Huddlestone, Leighton Baines, Stephen Warnock and Adam Johnson, though he escapes, mostly because I haven't seen him speak. Ever.
The rest of the bunch are some combination of petulant, philandering, arrogant, violent, whining, DJ-punching, handicapped-spot-parking, overly manscaped (to borrow a phrase) wankers. Once again, I encourage you to use your favorite search engine to research the dicks/members of England's 30 Man Roster, which can be handily referenced here.
Anyway. England, I hate your team.
-ZGS
*Harry Redknapp has the Second Largest Head in English Football. Steve Bruce's Head > Harry Redknapp's Head > Every Other Head in Existence. Fact.
PS: Ronaldo Report - Like, 30 tacos.
first of all, England is the birth place of soccer. I'm a highly sophisticated soccer fan and I love England. You can disagree about the players but they have world class midfielders and defenders and one truly amazing forward who up until he got injured was in the mix for world player of the year.
ReplyDeleteSecondly the true bonus of loving England is the passion of the fans...I've never seen a rowdy bar rooting for Spain around here before, but Lucky and every other soccer bar is jam packed with England fans for every big game.
Thirdly, England players, egomaniacs though they may be, almost always play with heart. They don't lay down for games, ever. They don't shy away from tackles, and they damn sure wouldn't be out partying the night before playing the USA in a tournament like the Confederations Cup (spain).
fourthly, I love this blog
Hey - Like the blog. Entertaining stuff. I also love the hatred of England. I agree that they play a style that isn't fun to watch, so why pick them? I also think 90% of their players are douchey, prime suspects being Cashely, JT and and Rio (mainly bc of that ugly hook he has in his lip).
ReplyDeleteOne thing im not sure I fully agree with is Davies. I'd imagine the US sent their own scouts to see his progress, and werent stupid enough to rely on Sochaux saying he wasnt fit. If they did fully rely on the French, then shame on them, two times. I think a 60% Davies still shouldnt make the squad. This isnt the highschool soccer, or even the MLS for that matter. If you arnt fit, you simply cant compete at that level, in my opinion. While his emotional impact would be awesome, and a fit Davies would have been a real threat, I just cant see how he could help the team now. That being said, our other forward are joke, and I appreciated the 5, 6 and 7 joke. I'm interested to see how stuart holden shapes up. I think if he is playing well enough, we can start him out wide and move Clintar as a withdrawn striker. Not only does Clint not enjoy defending when he is wearing the stars and stripes, but holden is super responsible, and would def help against a team like England. Thats all I got for now. Keep it up.
Bruce Arena head > Eatser Island heads > Steve Bruce head
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