Foxy Boxing

Moving right along in Group C, I profile another one of the USMNT's eventual victims. Known for being the second largest country in Africa and the ancestral home of the Tuareg people, Algeria isn't as cool as you would think.

Not by a long shot.


WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - ALGERIA EDITION

Dear Algeria-

There are actually few reasons why I should like you. Your nickname is pretty sweet, I guess, and you qualified for the World Cup by knocking out Egypt, who made my homies build a bunch of pyramids back in the day. And yet, I don't.

First of all, your flag is totally derivative. It's like you took Tunisia's handsome banner, locked him in a box of dicks for about a year, then introduced him to the svelte curves of Libya's national standard. A penetration ejaculation equation was inevitable, and nine months later, your stupid flag was born.

Secondly, I can't dislike your team without feeling slightly racist, and that makes me secretly dislike you even more. As a midwesterner of upper-middle-class roots, CRUSHING WHITE-LIBERAL-GUILT is a birthright. I feel uneasy lampooning your country/team, whereas I was totally fine with trying to tear the whole of England a new one. Why do you do this to me, Algeria? What is your fucking problem?

Third, couscous isn't that great, and it's your national dish. The rest of your food is reasonably delicious, but not enough to break into my Top Twenty Cultural Cuisines list.

Listen up, Algeria. I have plenty of other cultural quibbles I could write about, but this is blog about soccer, so I suppose I should analyze your play. Don't think this means I'm letting your silly country off the hook, though. I'll be back.

Why Algeria Sucks at Soccer:

Algeria, you're the Romania of Africa, the Ecuador of the CAF. Your style of play? Not bad, not good. Emphasis on physicality, somewhat suspect in the back, a couple of decent players. The biggest criticism I can lobby against your team is that you're extremely undisciplined. Remember that game against Egypt where you went down to eight men? No? Let's go to the tape!



Now, while there's a serious element of melodrama (incredible soundtrack notwithstanding) in that video, I still think that's pretty ridiculous behavior, Les Fennecs. Yes, even in a big game against your most hated rivals.

And this is the only thing I really know about you, Algeria, that you like to kick people from behind when you're losing. Not that you're dangerous on the attack, not that you're a stonewall defense, not that you traditionally rule the Conference of African Football (none of which turns out to be true), just that you're sore losers. Man, I can't wait for the US to play you after you've already been mathematically eliminated from advancing. That sounds like a great proposition--Bougherra spiking Landycakes out of sheer frustration as the Golden Boy breaks down the wing--downright tantalizing.

Endgame: As your team is nicknamed the Desert Foxes and you have a proclivity for violence, I hereby re-name you "The Foxy Boxers" (link probably NSFW).

Foxy Boxers, I hate your team. So. Much.

-ZGS

Ronaldo Report: Rice and beans, an orange and some water. Prison food.