Second Verse, Same as the First

Let's get one thing straight, world: There is no such thing as ElephanTITIS.

It's Elephantiasis. I don't care how many people choose to pronounce it incorrectly. Spelling is spelling, and I won't hear anything to the contrary.

Why am I so bent out of shape? Because I'm sitting here, trying to think up a series of stupid jokes to tell about the Ivory Coast's soccer team, and a bunch of idiots on the internet can't spell a simple word right.

It's downright distracting.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - IVORY COAST EDITION



Dear Ivory Coast-

Ye gods, I hate your team.

Right off the bat, I can never remember how to spell the real name of your country, and that makes me feel really stupid. The white people that formally took over your country in 1843 slowly forced French on the majority of your domestic states and kingdoms, and I'm not going to fault you for that. However, I am going to fault the French language as a whole for being fucking stupid.

This is an exact transcription of my inner monologue, every time I try and spell Cote d'Ivoire:

Fuck... Okay. You can do this. The first part's easy. C-O-how do I put that little thing over the O, that accent mark? Oh, fuck it. C-O-T-E. Alright. Halfway there. I know the next letter is D. Is that lower case? I think it's lower case. d-apostrophe-I-V-okay... okay... sounds like WAHRR... how do you French that syllable up? Jesus, this is taking forever. I should just write it in English. No one's going to care. I think it's an I and an O, but is it in that order? d-'-I-V-I-O...-no, that's not it. d-'-I-V-O-I... that doesn't look right, either. d-'-I-V-I-O... O? I? O... OH FUCK IT. JUST FUCK IT.

It makes me feel incredibly stupid, and I hate it.

You know what else I hate about your team? Drogba's hair. It looks stupid. And before you all start accusing me of being a racist and implying that I don't think black people should straighten their hair, I want to go on record as having said that you're a bunch of racists for thinking about calling me racist. Hair looking stupid transcends race. Case-in-I'm-not-racist-you-are-point: Bakary Kone straightens his locks, and he looks sweet.

Also, everything Drogba does (besides scoring 10,000 goals) is hilarious. One might even go as far as to say it's a disgrace.



When he's not doing observational comedy, he also opts for slapstick.



It's turned into a Boy Who Cried Wolf situation. He dives often enough to not get the calls when he deserves it.



One player doesn't make a team, though, and trust me, I hate your whole team. As an Arsenal fan, I'm still mad at Kolo Toure for leaving the club last summer, and with rumors indicating that Emmanuel Eboue is on his way out as well, it's hard not to be bitter.

Also, your nickname is supercalifragilistic-extra-unoriginal. At face value, calling yourself the Elephants sounds cool--I understand how it links up with the history of your country and all that fun stuff--but really, Ivory Coast, how many countries in Africa could use the same name? By my count, roughly 10,000,000. I mean, at least choose a modifier to make it more specific to your team, like The Invincible Elephants or Death Tusk Squad. Something. Anything. Anything would be better than just "The Elephants." Moving on.

Much like your use of French, there are other aspects of your squad that assault my self-esteem. Like what, you ask? Like that time back in 2005 when you STOPPED YOUR FREAKING COUNTRY FROM HAVING A CIVIL WAR. How do you think that makes me feel about, oh, I don't know, ANYTHING I've ever done with my life? The answer is "badly."

Okay. I'll level with you. Everything I wrote above was a bunch of lies. There's really only one reason that I hate your team.

Way back in 2006, I was pulling for you to do well in Germany. I really was. I even tried to buy your jersey. Well, we all know how that campaign turned out. Insert fart noise here.

This year, I feel those same hopeful emotions trickling in my veins. I see your group and I want you to do well. I cautiously believe in your chances. I look at your roster and convince myself that you've got the juice this time around. Even though I know that you don't. Something will go wrong, and Brazil and Portugal will advance from the group. And I'll be sad. And it'll be worse than before.

So that's the crux, Ivory Coast. That's the straight shit. I hate you the most for making me care.

-ZGS

PS: Ronaldo Report: Chicken fingers. Delicious.
PPS: Just for fun, here's the "Fucking Disgrace Remix."