My parents are coming into town tonight for the Bar Mitzvah of a close family friend's youngest son. They'll be spending most of their time in Topeka, my old home, but we'll be seeing each other quite a bit. We'll probably Ronaldo a ton of food, too.
In honor of their return to Kansas, where they lived for almost two decades, I present to you the following, totally topical interview:
Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women - Mama Bear Edition
Interview conducted via email. Additional commentary in parens.
1) What are you ever even doing?
All I ever do is think, talk, and write about literacy education. I don't even sleep, eat, or take showers.
(This is a lie. She also does the thing that happens after you eat. You know, the second biological imperative? Wait. You think I mean THAT? Hell no. I'm talking about doing the dishes.)
2) Have any of your children ever gotten lost at a World Cup game?
Yes.
(Notice the lack of elaboration. Dallas, '94: Younger Brother Alex [who, until around age 18, the antithesis of directionally inclined] got separated from the group, went to where he thought we had established as the meeting place in case of emergency (the entrance gate), but ended up standing for about 30 minutes next to one of the interior gates at the Cotton Bowl.)
3) What is that that smells so good?
Pancakes. Prepared by your father.
(Well played.)
4) Who was a better youth soccer coach, you or Dad?
I like to think that I was a good motivator as a coach, but your dad was far better at coaching--hands down.
(Maybe. In my memory, your teams were always more Original Bad News Bears than Dad's, so I'm not sure how to score it. I remember a team of Alex's you coached where one of the five year olds was roughly 6 feet tall and 300 pounds with a curly blond mullet. Come to think of it, he may have been in the band Ratt.)
5) Besides the United States, who are you rooting for this summer?
After reading your post about Cote d'Ivoire, I'm tempted to go for them. I like France, as you know. And I'm a shameless Anglophile, so I'll lean toward them, too, I think.
(Everyone, meet My Mother the Racist. My Mother the Racist, everyone.)
6) Tell me something I don't know about soccer.
Are there any teams that do a haka before they play, the way the New Zealand All Blacks do? I think soccer teams need to do more hakas.
(I think that only Oceanic countries should be allowed to do war dances. So, short answer, no, no other countries will be bringin' it this summer.)
7) You're into books and shit. If you translate writing style into soccer, who do you think would make a better midfielder, Emerson or Twain?
I love Emerson, but Mark Twain would outshine him every time as a midfielder. Think about it. What would you rather have at midfield? Transcendentalism, or picaresque humor? It's obvious.
(Disagree. Emerson would be a better midfielder. He had more stamina as a writer. SamClemens would have been a forward.)
8) You brought me into this world. Can you take me out of it?
I know some parents say that to their kids, but I never did, nor do I think that way.
(Technically, given firepower and a well-thought out plan, you totally could.)
9) Remember that time you made me power-walk? How much did that suck?
Actually, I thought it was pretty great. I don't know what you're talking about.
(Laguna Woods, CA - March 2010. We went on a "walk," which apparently meant power-walking, which, for the record, DID, DOES and WILL ALWAYS SUCK, got a little turned around in the suburban maze and resorted to climbing up a concrete spillway on the side of a cliff to get back to my grandparents' house. I give the power-walking a 0.00, but I give the adventuring a 9.52.)
10) True or False: Slovenia is a real country.
Very, very true. I have maps to prove it. To quote your fave source, Wikipedia, Slovenia is "rich in resources, naturally good looking, and persistently peaceful." Now, that's a great description! I want to be Slovenia.
And here's a picure of Slovenia: (Editor's note - She included the same fake photo of Slovenia linked to by our other contributor, Matt.)
Gorgeous, huh? Let's go there. You can play Slovenian soccer, and I'll Ronaldo myself some Slovenian cuisine.
(I really wish you knew anything about anything.)
Love you lots,
Momza
(Love you, too.)
1) What are you ever even doing?
All I ever do is think, talk, and write about literacy education. I don't even sleep, eat, or take showers.
(This is a lie. She also does the thing that happens after you eat. You know, the second biological imperative? Wait. You think I mean THAT? Hell no. I'm talking about doing the dishes.)
2) Have any of your children ever gotten lost at a World Cup game?
Yes.
(Notice the lack of elaboration. Dallas, '94: Younger Brother Alex [who, until around age 18, the antithesis of directionally inclined] got separated from the group, went to where he thought we had established as the meeting place in case of emergency (the entrance gate), but ended up standing for about 30 minutes next to one of the interior gates at the Cotton Bowl.)
3) What is that that smells so good?
Pancakes. Prepared by your father.
(Well played.)
4) Who was a better youth soccer coach, you or Dad?
I like to think that I was a good motivator as a coach, but your dad was far better at coaching--hands down.
(Maybe. In my memory, your teams were always more Original Bad News Bears than Dad's, so I'm not sure how to score it. I remember a team of Alex's you coached where one of the five year olds was roughly 6 feet tall and 300 pounds with a curly blond mullet. Come to think of it, he may have been in the band Ratt.)
5) Besides the United States, who are you rooting for this summer?
After reading your post about Cote d'Ivoire, I'm tempted to go for them. I like France, as you know. And I'm a shameless Anglophile, so I'll lean toward them, too, I think.
(Everyone, meet My Mother the Racist. My Mother the Racist, everyone.)
6) Tell me something I don't know about soccer.
Are there any teams that do a haka before they play, the way the New Zealand All Blacks do? I think soccer teams need to do more hakas.
(I think that only Oceanic countries should be allowed to do war dances. So, short answer, no, no other countries will be bringin' it this summer.)
7) You're into books and shit. If you translate writing style into soccer, who do you think would make a better midfielder, Emerson or Twain?
I love Emerson, but Mark Twain would outshine him every time as a midfielder. Think about it. What would you rather have at midfield? Transcendentalism, or picaresque humor? It's obvious.
(Disagree. Emerson would be a better midfielder. He had more stamina as a writer. SamClemens would have been a forward.)
8) You brought me into this world. Can you take me out of it?
I know some parents say that to their kids, but I never did, nor do I think that way.
(Technically, given firepower and a well-thought out plan, you totally could.)
9) Remember that time you made me power-walk? How much did that suck?
Actually, I thought it was pretty great. I don't know what you're talking about.
(Laguna Woods, CA - March 2010. We went on a "walk," which apparently meant power-walking, which, for the record, DID, DOES and WILL ALWAYS SUCK, got a little turned around in the suburban maze and resorted to climbing up a concrete spillway on the side of a cliff to get back to my grandparents' house. I give the power-walking a 0.00, but I give the adventuring a 9.52.)
10) True or False: Slovenia is a real country.
Very, very true. I have maps to prove it. To quote your fave source, Wikipedia, Slovenia is "rich in resources, naturally good looking, and persistently peaceful." Now, that's a great description! I want to be Slovenia.
And here's a picure of Slovenia: (Editor's note - She included the same fake photo of Slovenia linked to by our other contributor, Matt.)
Gorgeous, huh? Let's go there. You can play Slovenian soccer, and I'll Ronaldo myself some Slovenian cuisine.
(I really wish you knew anything about anything.)
Love you lots,
Momza
(Love you, too.)
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