Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Part Two.

Bouncing back from my super-self-indulgence in the previous post, I'm moving on to profile another one of our men in the field, Travis! Think of him like our own personal World Cup gossip columnist.

That's our man, off to the right, pictured with some guy you thought was Damarcus Beasley, but only because you're a racist.

Come with me as we discover what makes Travis tick in our second installment of...

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN

All questions asked via email, with my additional commentary provided in parens.

1) How is it that you're going to South Africa and I'm not?

in the late 1800s or maybe it was during the latter half of the 19th century, i'm not really sure and historians routinely have rousing arguments regarding this fact (it's true, there is going to be a 'drunk history' on this very subject starring zach braff)...wait...where was i? oh yeah, the year was 1904 and a young albert einstein just invented the concept of inventing things and thus was born the entire us patent system overnight. i cannot confirm nor deny that i am being sent there undercover to assess the capabilities of [the South African] patent system.

i can only assume you werent chosen for the same position because one of the decision makers must have been slovenian.

(It took me two or three times reading through to actually follow what he was getting on about. I think that's pretty much how it works with any Conspiracy Theory, though. The more you read, the more it makes sense, right?

2) If you were a tree and that tree were a player on the Honduran National Team, what and who would you be, and how could that make any sense?

honduras has ents playing for them now? the popular choice would be treebeard, obviously, but you see, i would want more mobility so i'd go with bregalad, otherwise known as quickbeam to the lay-man. (Treebeard and Quickbeam are both good choices, but in a recent internet poll, most people would actually choose Carlos Pavon, and I have to agree. You know how one dog year equals seven human years? Well, there's a similar kind of calculation you need to do for professional athletes, and at 36 soccer player years, Pavon is basically 6,948 in human years. That's older than any Ent I know.)

3) Is this your first World Cup?

it sure is. unless youre into that whole hindu reincarnation thing then maybe i was at the '58 tournament in sweden or maybe the '74 tournament in west germany, but definitely not the '34 tournament in italy. fuck italy. (Fuck them, even from beyond the grave, apparently.)

4) Besides the United States, what teams do you want to go far?

i would really like to see south africa get out of the group. i'd like to see at least one of the african teams make it deep. other than that i just want to see some great soccer. i think spain and the netherlands will be a lot of fun to watch and the dynamic between messi and maradona should be interesting to say the least.

truthfully, other than the US winning, i want nothing more than italy to get crushed by everyone. god i hate their soccer.

5) Describe Africa to me in haiku form.

full of pirates and
blood diamonds, this place is nuts
hippos are funny

(Anyone else who want to leave an Africa Haiku in the comments section is highly encouraged to do so.)

6) What cities are you visiting while in South Africa?

most of our time will be spent in johannesburg and pretoria trying not to get robbed, raped and murdered. ideally we are going to the 'african' vegas in rustenburg. i have a feeling its exactly like the american vegas, just with more lions. craig is doing some crazy safari thing in nelspruit. i would have liked to make it down to cape town to swim with some sharks but it turns out that shit aint cheap.

(No, that shit ain't cheap. It's like 1750 rand for the least expensive one I found. And, it's not smart. They're greater distance between you and a shark, the better. They're fucking sharks. I watched this documentary on them once, and nearly everybody in it died. )

7) Complete the following sentence: When I get robbed in Johannesburg, I hope they don't take _________.

...offense to me wrecking their shit. you see, in my mind, i'm an unstoppable fighting machine. this may or may not get me into trouble. (Editor's note: This will get you into trouble.)

8) Without using a the internet, can you tell me how many caucasian players are on South Africa's National Team?

wait, what? i thought all the white people were driven out of that country by the great war leader nelson "machinegun" mandela? i guess i can scratch my plan of going in blackface just to blend in.

(Historical [in]accuracies aside, the real answer is one.)

9) What are your hopes and dreams?

thats a pretty deep question. i dreamed about flying cars last night. those would be pretty cool. ok, thats my final answer, flying cars. (I want a replicator.)

10) True or False: Slovenia is a real country.

it certainly sounds like a fake country. i'll hold off my decision until i see who walks onto the field june 17th. it'll probably be a bunch of aliens dressed in human suits, like in 'men in black.' those crazy aliens are always trying to get into our international sporting events. (Wise analysis. Very wise.)