Yawnduras.

Sometimes, these things happen.  I can't watch the US v Turkey game live today, as I will be in Topeka at a Bar Mitzvah.  That said, I'll be recording the game on DVR and will likely watch it later that night.

Sorry for partying.

Until that time comes, satisfy your need for hard-hitting journalism with this complete beatdown of Honduras, the absolute worst nation in Central America.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - HONDURAS EDITION



Dear Honduras-

Ranked 40th in the world, you're definitely among the minnows at this summer's tournament.  You make me want to throw up.  Seriously.

Nobody likes a feel good story.  Your country qualifying for the World Cup is the soccer equivalent of Rudy, and Rudy was a stupid piece of shit.  Anyone who actually likes that movie has the intellectual capacity of third grader.  A really dumb third grader.  "Oh my god!  He played in the game!  Everyone loves him!  He worked so hard!"  I would watch any of the Ernest movies twice before I would watch Sean Astin in that terrible waste of time.  Vom. It.

I cannot wait to see you get crushed in South Africa.  Spain will be nice about it, classily beating you 37-0.  Switzerland will not be so pleasant, as this is the only chance they have of earning points in the group.  They'll talk some shit on your sister in German, pee on you in Italian and score four extremely pretentious goals in French.  Chile will take a mountainous dump on your dreams, thrashing you 12-0.  It will be muy divertido.

Truthfully, you don't even deserve to be here.  The only reason you squeaked into the tournament was because the US tied Costa Rica on the last day of qualification, vaulting you over them in the standings.  Costa Rica ended up in a two game play-off with Uruguay, which they sooooo lost, and you would have too.  You were an average team.  We turned you into a "great" one.

Where's the thank you card, you ungrateful bitches?

Ok.  On to the most vitriolic and personal part of this letter, the player analyses.

Wilson Palacios:  You have a Cabbage Patch Doll's head.  It's weird and gross.  Stop it.  Stop it right now.

Georgie Welcome:  You look like an alien, and I hate aliens.  I will not go quietly into the night.

David Suazo:  You are possibly the most overrated player on either of the American continents.  Of your 14 international goals in 42 caps, half of them were scored against Puerto Rico, Netherlands Antilles and Haiti.  Why do people think that you're good?

Amado Guevara:  I can remember at least three times I've seen you punch/slap or hit another player in the face.  You are an asshole.

Maynor Figueroa:  I heard you scored a goal, once.  You're a young Titus Bramble.  Raise your hand if you know who Titus Bramble is.  Exactly.

Carlos Pavon:  Your player bio claims that you are 36, born in 1973.  This is incorrect.  You were born in 1973 BC, which actually makes you 3983 years old.  I'm pretty sure you're a mummy.  It explains your antiquated, Egyptian hairstyle.  Don't curse me.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that your players are not good.  The biggest compliment I can give your team is that you're sure going to try REALLY hard.  I'll leave you with this thought:  When you were in elementary school, what type of kids were always getting awards for participation and trying their best?

Game, set and match, Honduras.  Go back to your home.

-ZGS