Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Judge Dread.

So, as you may or may not know, the USMNT B Team got Euro-Served last night by the ultimate threat to soccer in America:


Granted, these were Republicans of the Czech variety, but I still think my analysis holds.  

Based upon our individual and team performances last night, I am prepared to predict what the US Final Roster will look like.  And, in some strange coincidence, I'm putting out my version only HOURS before Bob Bradley will announce his final cuts at 1:00 PM EST today.

Civilization Cradlers:

Goalkeepers (3):  Tim Howard, Brad Guzan, Marcus Hahnemann.

I'm not really going out on a limb, here.  Howard gets the start.

Defenders (7):  Carlos Bocanegra, Jay Demerit, Oguchi Onyewu, Jonathon Specter, Steve Cherundolo, Clarence Goodson, Jonathon Bornstein.

The first four names on that list are no-brainers.  Goodson did enough last night to make it into the final roster.  Bornstein, on the other hand, did plenty to show Bradley why he should be left at home.  Won't happen, though.

Midfielders (9):  Michael Bradley, Clint Dempsey, Maurice Edu, Landon Donovan, Ricardo Clark, Benny Feilhaber, Stuart Holden, Damarcus Beasley, Jose Torres.

No real surprises here, besides Torres and Beasley.  Torres is a crisp passer and seems to be the only one on the US team interested in possession.  Beasley clinched his place last night by simply not screwing up.

Forwards (4):  Jozy Altidore, Herculez Gomez, Eddie Johnson, Robbie Findley.

Jozy's been a lock on a starting forward spot since 1956.  By scoring last night, Gomez punched his ticket (I know that phrase is a terrible cliche).  In my mind, by not playing Findley against the Czech, Bradley has signaled his intent to keep him in the final roster.  Eddie Johnson remains Eddie Johnson, and despite sucking, will be included based upon his potential rather than skill.


Chad Marshall (D):  You're done, son.  You came into camp with an injury, and let's face it: Jimmy Conrad is the only central defender from MLS that has ever REALLY deserved a spot on a World Cup team.

Heath Pearce (D):  First off, compliments on your hair.  It looks great.  No, really.  I'm not being facetious.  Oh, hey, remember last night how you got burned for two goals and sucked worse than [something that really sucks]?  Have fun in Dallas this summer.

Alejandro Bedoya (M):  It was between you and DaMarcus buddy, it really was.  Would I have chosen you over him?  You bet.  Will Bob Bradley?  No way.  Not your fault; you played pretty well.  Seniority sucks.

Sacha Kljestan (M):  BOOOOOOOOOORING.  You were never gonna unseat Clark or Bradley or Edu or Feilhaber or Torres or J.J. from "Good Times" or Denise Richards.  Boom.  Roasted.

Robbie Rodgers (M):  I have to give it to you; you played pretty well last night.  Unfortunately, we have much better options at outside mid in, well, pretty much everyone I listed above.  Good luck this summer at the Columbus Pride Twink-Off.

Edson Buddle (F):  Are you better right now than Eddie Johnson or Robbie Findley?  Yes.  Has that ever meant anything to anyone, for some reason?  No.  Do I know why?  Also no.

Brian Ching (F):  I was really surprised when you looked kind of dangerous last night, but then I remembered that by "dangerous" I meant "made one good pass" and by "last night" I meant "in your whole life."  Ok, to be fair, you actually played pretty well, but I don't think that it matters.


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  2. My buddy's and my streaming commentary of the game last night on my phone:

    Buddy: "Every time Pearce gets near the ball I cramp like I just grew a uterus."

    Me: "Every time Pearce gets near the ball I cringe like I just got kicked in the chops."

    His pathetic defending crossed the gender lines... what a panty waste.

  3. I think Ching deserves a spot, even though I totally hate him. Why? because he can hold the ball up while our sorry ass players get up the field to attempt to attack the opposing goal.

  4. #USMNT Roster (cont): Donovan, Edu, Feilhaber, Findley, Gomez, Goodson, Guzan, Hahnemann, Holden, Howard, Onyewu, Spector, Torres

    #USMNT World Cup Roster: Altidore, Beasley, Bocanegra, Bornstein, Bradley, Buddle, Cherundolo, Clark, DeMerit, Dempsey....