32nd Place.

Oh no.  I don't care how long ago this was.  Sports team songs are NEVER a good idea.





Regardless, it's 2010 New Zealand, and you're back.  This time, you qualified by beating world powerhouse Qatar in a playoff (If you're wondering where Qatar is, you're not alone.  So are the people who live in Qatar.  Somewhere in Asia.  That's all anyone can be sure of).  Based upon how much trouble you had with a team of such stature, I'm gonna go out on a limb and make a prediction:

This not gonna be pretty.

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - NEW ZEALAND EDITION

Dear New Zealand-

For those of you not familiar with New Zealand sports, their soccer team is known as the All Whites.  Don't worry, their rugby team is the All Blacks.  The names are about shirt color, nothing more, you racists.  Does that mean I feel entirely comfortable calling either team by it's nickname?  No.  Not at all.  I'm actually more at ease using the N Word (granted, only by myself, in my car, rapping along with something sweet) than I am calling a group of people the All Whites.  Way too 1950s country club.

In a certain light New Zealand, you're really cute.  One might even go as far to say that, sometimes, you're the most beautiful girl in the whole wide room (depending on the room).  And when you're on the street (depending on the street), you're definitely in the top three good looking girls on the street.  That is, if said street is Oceania's qualifying group.

Truth be told, I want to like you, but I can't.  It's probably not your fault, but as they old saying goes, "you make your own luck."  And what kind of luck do you have?  To put it lightly, "not good."

New Zealand, I hate your team because you're cannon fodder.

Last summer, as the Champions of Oceania, you were invited to play in the Confederations Cup.  At the Cup, you went up against Spain, South Africa and Iraq, losing 5-0, 2-0 and tying 0-0, respectively.

This summer, your group consists of Italy, Paraguay and Slovakia.  Ryan Nelsen will grimace and stare through his weird, weird eyes.  Shane Smeltz will cry twinky tears.  Nothing you try is going to help.  You will lose 5-0, 3-0 and 2-0, respectively.

Enter conspiracy theory, stage left.

I think that Italy was allowed to hand-pick its group.  I mean, think about it for a second:  First, they're the masters of match-fixing.  Second, they're the current cup-holders, and I can only assume that there have got to be some perks attached to that honor.

The whole group smacks of a Materazzi plot.  I can picture him sitting at a giant conference table in his secret base in the heart of the Alps.  "Ciò è il mio piano indiretto," he says, stroking the leathery hood of his jet-black cobra.  "Scelgo i All Whites."*

Paraguay and Slovakia are the perfect cover for the automatic three points that comes with bogarting New Zealand.  Surely, Italy can AT LEAST tie both of those teams, so by choosing the Kiwis for their group, they are virtually assured of going on to the round of sixteen.

I hate you New Zealand.  The reason you're wrapped up in this plot is that you're just SO bad.  Your main midfielder isn't even in the MLS anymore.  Your odds of winning this tournament are listed as 3000 to 1, but I'm gonna level with you:  It's more like 3,000,000,000 to 1.

So, thanks a lot for qualifying.  Bully for you, but shitty for the rest of us.  Really glad you came.

Fucking fucking fuck Italy.

-ZGS

*I do not speak Italian and never will.

PS:  Ronaldo Report - Seven beers, three martinis, triple "Shark Attack," and three slices of pizza.
PPS:  Here is a gratuitous picture of a hobbit.