Won't Get Fooled Again.

Well, well, well.  We're almost there.

Four posts to go before I've profiled the whole tournament.  I'm about as hyped up as a middle class white dude can get without four hours of straight High Lifing.  Today's receptacle for my stinging ire?  Cameroon, which, I think is in Africa.  Let's find out.

WHY I HATE  YOUR TEAM - CAMEROON EDITION


Dear Cameroon:

We've all seen Dazed and Confused, right?  RIGHT?  Everyone knows someone like Matthew McConaughey's character, Wooderson, the guy who just can't let go of high school.  Still hanging around, still trying to act cool, the last of their legitimate talent and dreams squandered after losing their JuCo football scholarship due to bad grades.  I'm talking about THAT guy.

Or, maybe you don't.  On the slim chance you live such a charmed life, you have to at least be slightly familiar with aging progrockers The Who.  They played the Super Bowl last year (I think)?

Listen up, acolytes:  The Who SUCK.  Okay, let me rephrase that:  The Who SUCK BECAUSE THEY CANNOT LET GO OF THE PAST AND SOMEHOW, PEOPLE STILL THINK THEY'RE RELEVANT.

That's the theme with the Woodersons we know and The Who.  They're no longer relevant, and, for as long as anyone cares to remember, simply living off old memories and reputation.  In their time, I'm sure both were significant contributers to the arenas in which they played.  But now?  Now they're just sad, and even sadder are the people who continue to buy into their bullshit.

Accepting and appreciating either entity for its place in history is fine.  Claiming that The Who are still the greatest band around is decidedly NOT.

Which brings us to Cameroon, a national football team that would fit right in with the two above mentioned groups of people.  Why?  Because I said so, that's why.  And also because it's true.

Back in the day (aka 1990/1994), Roger Milla and company were the greatest thing that ever happened to the game.  They danced and sang and, along with the Nigerians, basically mainlined joy directly into the soccer world's heart.  Roger Milla was 38 the first time he played in a World Cup.  He scored four goals as his team made a run to the quarterfinals.  It was as glorious as glory can be.

Today's Cameroon is a far cry from the past, and yet, still living off their glory.  It's been years since they've produced anything resembling an important result in a tournament, and I don't really expect that to change in 2010.  Your players are average and mean.  Your midfield gets a lot of cards and your forwards are not much better.  I can't think of a single player you have that I wish could somehow be poached for the US squad.  Not even your best player.

The new Roger Milla, the talismanic Samuel Eto'o is a great player, at least, so I'm told.  I can't remember the last time I saw him do something worthwhile in a big game.  Soccerpundits the world over have applauded his transfer to Inter Milan last year as a great career move, but, correct me if I'm wrong, didn't Diego Milito score all the goals?  You put in twelve to his twenty-two.  Exactly.

After threatening to quit the team last week over a little criticism, you pull a complete 180 this week and buy your teammates all $10,000,000 watches that I sincerely hope each and every one of them sell to fund something good in the community, like a waterslide or sandwiches or some shit.  What is going on in the brain that lives in your alien looking skull?

Addressing my personal failings as they relate to the waning superstar, I CANNOT say your fucking name.  Last summer, I had two intelligent, clear-voiced Cameroonian brothers say it directly into my ear from a foot away while I squawked away like a parrot, saying ET-OH, then ET-WUOH over and over, both of which are horribly wrong.  I'm reasonably well educated and possess a musical ear (or so my mom says); It shouldn't be THIS hard to say a freaking name.

The only redeemable thing I can think of in regards to your team is your nickname, the Indomitable Lions, which is totally sweet, but not enough to sway my opinion from hate to love.

Cameroon, I hate your team.  You made me love you, once.  At age seven, I would have gladly been your child bride.  Older and wiser, I don't think any of those things are possible, anymore.

I hope you get Ed Geined.

-ZGS