The picture to our right is a photo of our hero perched on the lip of some sort of indicative South African landscape. So. Jealous. If you want to know why I call him Creeper Carty, go to the bottom of this post.
BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN - CREEPER CARTY EDITION
Interview conducted via Facebook message. Classy. Additional comments in parens.
1) Why is it that you're in South Africa and I'm not?
I suppose the main reason is that you’re in Kansas.
(Literalism will get you nowhere with me. I'll take fanciful, well-worded insults rife with imagery before I'll accept literal answers. Sheesh. This interview is not starting well.)
Yes, indeed. My brother went to the World Cup in Germany and bought me a t-shirt. The collar started to go a bit so I’m bummed about that. Now I have a new one for the 2010 WC, but it’s yellow so I’m bummed about that, too.
(Nobody's ever accused me of being fashionable, so I wouldn't have a clue if there was something wrong with the color yellow? I have three yellow t-shirts. Please don't make me throw them out.)
3) What famous dance from a music video do you think would translate best into a goal celebration?
Given that’s we’re in Africa and all, I would have to go with a rendition of the Zulu wedding dance as performed by South Africa’s polygamist president, Jacob Zuma. It counts as famous in this country.
You can practice it by watching the YouTube video [here]:
This choice makes sense on two fronts: first, there will be multiple goals during the World Cup just as Jay-Z has multiple wives, so it’s okay to repeat the dance over and over. Second, it’s African and whatnot.
(This is probably the best idea I've heard in years. That dance is TOTALLY SWEET.
Cultural sidenote: In reading a little bit about Zuma's backstory, I couldn't help but focus on his trial and eventual acquittal for/of the crime of rape (with a woman he knew to be HIV positive, without a condom). It sounds like complete and utter insanity.
If you, dear reader, ever had any question as to whether HIV/AIDS education has a long way to go on the African continent, consider this: In court, Zuma explained that after having unprotected sex with the HIV positive woman, he TOOK A SHOWER to "MINIMISE THE RISK OF CONTRACTING THE DISEASE."
If you don't know why the above quote is completely insane, we can't be friends anymore. This man is now the president of South Africa. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?)
Since Sumeria is modern-day Iraq, I’m going to have to say “no” to them fielding a great team. Those guys just can’t seem to get a leg up.
Egypt is super-populous so I think they have a lot of potential players from which to choose.
The Indus River Valley was known best for its technology and urbanization and we all know that geeks don’t make good soccer players (except you).
So, yeah. Egypt.
(I think I'm going to agree with you here, especially considering Egypt's reasonably consistent success over the past decade or so. Well, except for that one time versus Algeria, last fall.)
5) Other than the United States and South Africa, are there any other teams you're pulling for?
No. I honestly believe the USA has a chance (and no laughing, please).
(No laughing here. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)
I invite you to watch Pauly Shore in the film, “Adopted.” He tried an AIDS joke at a bar in South Africa and it didn’t work out well. But make your own choice there.
(If comedic legend Pauly Shore can't pull it off, what chance do I have?)
7) Complete the following sentence: When I get robbed in Johannesburg, I hope they don't take my ____________
life... but they probably will.
(It's funny because it's true.)
8) You've always had good hair. Any players with good hair I should be looking for next week?
I guess the obvious one is Ronaldo. But I think that look is soon-to-be over. The best hair will be in the stands, for sure. South African hair styles border on insane and they’re quite unapologetic about it.
(Notice how our subject subtly accepts the compliment on his appearance without actually acknowledging it having been given, treating it like such an immutable truth that to say thank you would be ridiculous. These are genteel manners at their finest, folks. In terms of the actual advice, I'll be on the look-out for said South Africans.)
I’ve seen a surge of yellow worn on Fridays in support of local club Bafana-Bafana, so that’s no good. I’ve also noticed a lot of late-night work crews trying to finish major highways and pedestrian bridges before the “amaTourists” arrive. Otherwise, same ol’, same ol’. Bad service, slow service, no service, etc. Oh—and lots of late-night drunks blowing into their vuvuzelas or screaming “laduma” (isiZulu for “goal”) for no reason at all. But that’s kinda normal, now that I think about it. Ultimately, it's just the yellow-splosion everywhere. The construction has been ongoing for as long as I remember, too.
(I've heard a lot about the "bad-service" running rampant in South Africa. What are we talking about here, cold food at restaurants? Rude dressmakers? Do all consumers feel a connection with the song "It's the Hard Knock Life" from Annie? Also, you really DO hate the color yellow!)
10) True or False: Slovenia is a real country.
True. But I think they’re officially called the Republic of Slovenia. Didn’t you watch the Winter Olympics?
(Wrong. False. When are people going to learn? Finally, no, I did not watch the Winter Olympics aka Racism on Ice. I had better things to do, like, EVERYTHING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.)
The following bonus questions are presented without commentary on my part. Read and enjoy. Read and learn.
Bonus Question: Do you think there will be net positives or negatives for South Africa in the aftermath of the World Cup?
Short-term net positives. Long term net negatives. Positive results in the short term will include a sudden influx of mega-Buck$/Euros/Pounds resulting in more rounds of beer purchased at local bars.
Long term negatives will include post-WC-stress disorder grounded in the realization that the money was blown on beer instead of housing, infrastructure, grant increases for single mothers, etc. And let's not forget about human trafficking! And empty stadiums. And a sunken economy once everyone realizes what a stupid idea the "five weeks off" national initiative was.
Second Bonus Question: Discuss some of the intersections you've seen between race and WC 2010.
Race is a tough one in South Africa. The world should prepare itself to witness what Western cultures would consider absolutely offensive and racist commentary, behavior and even attacks on people from different backgrounds. The latter is what has become known as “xenophobia” rather than its more accurate moniker of “hate crime.”
One of the first comments I heard when landing in South Africa over 15 months ago was this: “The difference between a racist and a tourist in South Africa is about two weeks.” I beg to differ having now resided here well over two weeks while still maintaining my fairly low standards of judging people. But when you’re seated in a hotbed of historical racial inequity for long enough, you hear and see enough to make you want to bang your head against the wall over and over and over and over. The good news is that soccer fans are soccer fans, so even the worst racists in this country will sidle up next to the people they hate so long as they’re rooting for the same team. Ubuntu in the Rainbow Nation!
-ZGS
PS: Find the Creeper.
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