For the past six Fridays, my Feminine Side and I have gotten together to discuss the uniforms for each team in one of the eight groups at World Cup 2010. At the end of each discussion, the jersey in question will be scored between 0 and 5 on the Tshabalala Scale.
This week, with the first stage ending, we tackle the final two groups. Thanks for playing, folks.
GROUP G
ZGS: I like this jersey five eighths as much as I hate Portugal.
Feminine Side: So, a lot?
ZGS: Yeah, unfortunately. I'm trying to keep an open mind.
FS: The subtle stripes within the larger stripe turn this into a pretty classy affair.
ZGS: The color scheme is very "cartoon tomato," though.
FS: It's probably making you hungry.
ZGS: How'd you know?
FS: Yesterday, you told me that a stack of different colored paper reminded you of a sandwich. Then, you got jealous of a little girl who had an ice cream cone ON HER SHIRT. Ay que predictable.
ZGS: Buffy Summers! I officially give this jersey 4 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
FS: Classic.
ZGS: Total classic.
FS: Total.
ZGS: Classic.
FS: The only way anyone could have a problem with this jersey is if they had a traumatic experience when they were a kid involving the color yellow.
ZGS: Like the time Austin White dared me to eat an entire bottle of mustard?
FS: Something like that. What happened?
ZGS: I finished it, walked home, then threw up yellow into the ditch behind my house for ten minutes. It turned the water a deep siena.
FS: God bless the color wheel.
ZGS: Veronica Mars! I officially give this jersey 5 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
ZGS: It's fine, I guess.
FS: The collar being white or blue would have made a big difference.
ZGS: Yeah. It just seems hastily thrown together.
FS: The flag looks like clip art downloaded from the CIA Factbook.
ZGS: It's not BAD, though.
FS: It's fine, I guess.
ZGS: I guess.
FS: We guess.
ZGS: Sydney Bristow! I officially give this jersey 2.5 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
FS: It's very orange.
ZGS: That's very obvious.
FS: I'm going to ignore that.
ZGS: Thanks.
FS: I'm very taken with this jersey. The graphics look good, the mesh sleeve is subtle enough to escape most of my notice and the green piping on the sleeves does a lot to offset the noted orangeness of it all.
ZGS: If I were going on a long ocean voyage, I would wear this jersey to ward off scurvy.
FS: And, if you got shipwrecked, it doubles as a rescue flag. I could see that jersey from space.
ZGS: Xena Warrior Princess! I officially give this jersey 4.5 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
GROUP H
ZGS: This jersey has a lot of history and character.
FS: Yeah, if by history, you're referencing the fact that it was designed in 1981.
ZGS: I like how it tells you this is a soccer jersey by including a big, tacky soccer ball in the middle of its crest.
FS: And, in case you were confused as to which team this jersey belongs to, it takes extra pains to tell you.
ZGS: In italics, no less.
FS: Jersey, get thee behind me.
ZGS: Ashlee Simpson! I officially give this jersey .5 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
FS: This jersey looks very comfortable. That's about it, in terms of nice things I can think of to say.
ZGS: I respect the attempt. Can we talk about the collar?
FS: You want me to mock the way it looks like a mock turtleneck?
ZGS: Exactly. You're on a roll. Now talk shit on the logo.
FS: It looks like something you'd find on a commemorative shirt handed out at some rich kid's Bar Mitzvah party.
ZGS: Wow. Finish them off.
FS: YOUR MOTHER.
ZGS: O.J. Simpson! I officially give this jersey 1 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
ZGS: What is going on here?
FS: There's a whole lot of a lot happening on this jersey.
ZGS: It has a collar, which I like, but from there, it just goes downhill.
FS: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's a graphic of a guy farting as he kicks a soccer ball.
ZGS: Now, you know first hand that I LOVE farting, but that's just ridiculous.
FS: Small consolation: It looks like the Puma is attacking said fartkicker.
ZGS: That it does. Justice is swift in the animal kingdom.
FS: As it should be.
ZGS: Lisa Simpson! I officially give this jersey 1 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
FS: Wonderful. Another CLASSIC.
ZGS: Right off the bat, Spain's crest is fucking fantastic.
FS: Agreed. The subtle blue is what I've always like about Spain's uniforms.
ZGS: I like how it works with the yellow and the red. Stereotypes be damned, this jersey looks passionate.
FS: You know, I hate to bring it up, but this is the last review we'll ever do together.
ZGS: I know. That's why I saved this shirt for last.
FS: Because you think Spain's going to win the whole thing?
ZGS: No. Because I think you'd look really cute in it.
FS: And so it ends. Not with a bang, but with an insincere compliment.
ZGS: Sampson Simpson! I officially give this jersey 5 out of 5 Tshabalalas.
I am sad that FS is with us no more!
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