What is Worst in Life? - Round Three.

Welcome back to WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? the timesaving version of WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM.

Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.

Up this week on the scales of justice?  The Eastern Blech.

WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - SLOVAKIA vs. SERBIA


History

2010 marks the first time both Slovakia and Serbia are competing on the world's biggest stage as sovereign nations.  Back in the day, Czechoslovakia rode the bull a couple of times, and Serbia was last seen getting curbstomped by Argentina in 2006 under the guise of the lengthier Serbia and Montenegro.  You would think I'd be willing to give both squads a clean slate for the South African rodeo, but guess what?  I'm not.

So, who's history is WORST?

It depends on how you want to play this.  Is it better to make it to the tournament only to find your defense has been lured into a terrible-sexual-assault-of-a-trap, OR is it better to just plain suck for around twenty years?  Your answer may be different, but I'm going to give Slovakia the leg up on this one.  At my 10 year high school reunion, I would much rather be a relative unknown than that guy who totally embarrassed himself at Junior Prom.

Serbia, your history is officially WORST.

Who's Former Country is Better?

Speaking of history, who's former country sucked more?  I'm not talking about just soccer here, folks; I'm talking about Cold War Era grudges.  Yugoslavia versus Czechoslovakia.  Get it on.

Both countries were a bunch of dirty communists for a long ol' time.  That much needs to be said up front.  Knowing this makes much of their existence a pretty even match, in terms of who was WORST.  So, I think that analyzing how each former country broke up is the best way to determine which nation is more deserving of our derision.

Czslovak broke free from the iron grip of Karl Marx in 1989 during the Velvet Revolution.  In 1992, it peacefully dissolved itself, separating into the two nations we know now as the Czech Republic and Slovakia.

And the Yugoslavs?  Well, their Wikipedia article was much longer and harder to read, but I did see that there were a bunch of wars in there somewhere, and a lot of mention of ethnic cleansing, so that's not good.  Apparently, Serbia only officially became Serbia again in 2006, which obviously took WAAAAY too long.

So, which former commie nation was WORST?

Based mostly upon the fact that I had to read a shit-ton more to begin to understand what was going on (which I still don't, no thanks to you, NPR in the early 90s), Yugoslavia was totally worse.  I don't need to be reading a bunch of depressing stuff about the Kurdish mine workers in Kosovo striking and then getting shot.  This is a WORLD CUP BLOG.  It's supposed to be fun.

Serbia/Yugoslavia are WORST.

Team Togetherness

Raise your hand if 18 out of your 23 players have names that end in the letters I-C.  What's that, Serbia?  YOUR team has 18 players whose names end in the letters I-C?  How many similarly named players do you have, Slovakia?  Like, three?

Game over.

Slovakia's team togetherness is  WORST.

Bald Central Defenders

Ooh baby, this is a tough one.  I mean, Skrtel vs. Vidic would be an epic street fight.  Just look at the dudes!  Try and tell me those guys shouldn't be enforcers in some sort of Euroethnic crime syndicate.  You can't.

Nemanja Vidic (right) is the better player, by all professional, educated accounts.  That doesn't mean that Martin Skrtel (left) is bad.  He's just a little more injury prone, which means he struggles to find form, as he can't get a long run of games.  Skrtel has more tattoos, which means he's more likely to be seen wearing a Tapout shirt of attending a Criss Angel (yes, that IS how it's spelled) show, so Vidic has the edge, again.  Vidic has a decently intimidating last name, but Skrtel is rocking a four consonants cluster, so Vidic eats the poo in this category.

So, which player is WORST?

As most of the above analysis presents itself as pretty equal, I have to go with what I think each of the defenders looks like to reach my decision.  Skrtel looks like a white Dhalsim from Street Fighter II, which is totally sweet, despite Dhalsim being the worst character in the whole game.  Does that mean he survives the round?  Decidedly not.  You see, Vidic looks like the incredible offspring of an eagle and a shark.  In equation form:  Eagle = Awseome.  Shark = Deadly.  Eagle + Shark = The Most Terrifying Cryptozoological Creature of All Time.

Martin Skrtel is WORST.

Proximity to the Supposed Republic of Slovenia

The last category we'll utilize in making our decision in the proximity of said nations to the made-up country of Slovenia, which I hate with more passion than you could ever imagine, even if bandits kidnapped your first-born as a baby, raised him and eventually set the two of you against each other in an epic, gut-wrenching duel.  Because, you know, those things happen sometimes.

So, who is closer and therefore WORST?

This is pretty straightforward.  All you have to do is measure.

If a Serbian wants to base-jump into the giant abyss that is Slovenia, he/she only has to walk across the upper part of the Croatian C, and then BOOM, he/she's there.  You'd think that because both countries are part of the former Yugoslavia, they've got to be closer, right?  Well, they're not.

When I pulled up a map of Europe on my computer, Slovakia's southeastern corner is exactly one thumb-length away, whereas the northeastern edge of Serbia is a little under one and a half thumbs away.  Science!

Slovakia is closer to Slovenia and therefore WORST.

Endgame

With a final score of 3-2, Slovakia loses.

That doesn't mean I don't hate you, Serbia.  Your players are all a bunch of Eurtrash.  Your sisters and mothers are loose in your virtue.  YOU LOST TO NEW ZEALAND IN A FRIENDLY.  You're pretty much the most terrible thing ever.  I hope your little brother messes up his Torah portion.

Slovakia, oh poor Slovakia.  You're the worst of the worst.  You lucked out in qualifying.  Your coach put his son on the team and he does not deserve to be there.  Marek Hamsik has stupid hair and is a stupid player.  You smell like fish, constantly.

Slovakia, you are the WORST IN LIFE.  The ABSOLUTE WORST of all time.

-ZGS