What is Worst in Life? - Round One.

It's pretty obvious that I'm moving too slowly.  As much as I'd like to just write about soccer all day, more and more, it seems like I have to do other stuff as well.  To that end, and in an effort to make sure there's more room for a variety of content on this blog, I would like to introduce a new iteration of the WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM series, inspired by perhaps the greatest movie of all time, Conan the Barbarian.



 I hereby present:  WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE?

Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.

Up this week on the scales of justice?

WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - PARAGUAY VS URUGUAY



Nickname

Paraguay go by two names:  La Albirroja (The Red and White) and Los Guaranies (either The Warriors or simply the name of an ethnic group endemic to Paraguay).  Not to be outdone, Uruguay call themselves La Celeste (The Sky Blue) and Los Charruas (a indigenous Urugayan people).

So, what is WORST?

At face value, you'd think that Uruguay has the edge on this race to the bottom.  Sky Blue < White AND Red, much in the same way 1 < 1 + 1.  Duh.  Math > George Washington, as it ACTUALLY cannot tell a lie.  Furthermore, potentially being able to define Guaranies as Warriors is way cooler than calling your team Charruas, which is pretty much the equivalent of the French team calling themselves the Gauls.  BORING.

But there's a catch.  Quoth Wikipedia:  "In situations in which Uruguayans display bravery in the face of overwhelming odds the expression "garra charrúa" (Charrúan claws) is used to refer to victory in the face of certain defeat."  Claws?  Are you fucking kidding me?  CLAWS?

Claws > Warriors > Red and White > The Pantanal > Meat on a Stick.

Paraguay's nicknames are WORST.

Geography

Up front, I'm going to say that both countries don't make a lot of sense to me, and if it were up to me, I would label South America as WORST and be done with it.  Unfortunately, there needs to be a clear loser here.

So, who is WORST?

In the end, I think it's Uruguay.  Paraguay has long history of fighting for its identity and resisting invasion, whereas Uruguay just strikes me as a piece of land too far across the river for Argentina to claim and not enough fun for Brazil to give a shit about.  Do I have research to back this up?  No.  Do I care?  Also no.

Uruguay's geography is WORST.

Personnel

In the coach's box, it's Paraguay's La Tata, Gerado Martino, versus El Maestro, Oscar Washington Tabarez.  Now, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure La Tata means "The Nanny," which actually might be the greatest unfortunate nickname of all time.  By comparison, El Maestro is pretty much the most boring, unoriginal moniker anyone claiming to be a coach could ever go by.

If didn't know anything about soccer and I saw Uruguay's star striker, Diego Forlan, walking down the street, I would think the following terrible thought:  "I wonder if that tall, unfortunate, anorexic lesbian has anyone at home that loves her.  She needs help."  Forlan may score goals by the bucket, but he might consider wearing one over his face in public.  His strike partner, Luis Suarez, comes fully equipped with mutant ears and echolocation.  Chirping as he runs down the field, Suarez uses sonar to feel distortions in the space-time-continuum, slips through them to the past and scores a bunch of unfair goals.  Or he might just be talented.  Whatever.

Paraguay's Roque Santa Cruz is that annoying brand of handsome most commonly found in a boy-band.  [Insert second gay joke of the post here.]  Prepare for the next sentence to have a lot of prepositions.  His better half, Salvador Cabanas, won't be at the tournament this summer after getting shot in the head in the bathroom at a bar in Mexico City at 5:00 in the morning.  Out of favor and out of shape, Santa Cruz will have to overcome his greatest challenge, not using run-on sentences in English, when Paraguay faces South Africa and New Zealand in Group A.

So, who is WORST?

I think Uruguay is the clear loser, here.

La Tata sounds kind of cool, Cabanas couldn't help getting shot in the head, and Santa Cruz is more annoying than terrifying.  On the other side of the coin, Diego Forlan looks like a four month old desiccated corpse who's hair has continued to grow in the casket.  Who needs to know anything else?  There's just no coming back from that.

Uruguay's personnel is WORST.

Footballing

In terms of style, it's a relative push.  You both play an innocuous brand of South American football.  There's more emphasis on short, quick passes than long balls, and any foul within 10 meters of the box draws claims for a penalty.  Uruguay has a more explosive attack, and Paraguay is a little more sound in defense.  No clear cut loser here.

2010 marks Paraguay's fourth consecutive qualification for the World Cup.  While this is encouraging, once at the cup, I don't think they've ever won a single game.  I may remember you scoring a goal, once, but I can't be sure.  I think I can sum it up by saying "Congratulations on your participation medals."

Rummaging through the lore-masters chambers in the great library of Minas Tirith, I discovered record of Uruguay winning the World Cup twice.  Their first victory occurred during the reign of Romendacil II in the year 1255 of the Third Age.  Their second came in 1344, on the eve of the death of Vidumavi.

So, who is WORST?

Uruguay loses out once again.  Paraguay is marginally talented, but you're just ridiculous, Claw People.  You won the World Cup so far in the past it shouldn't even count.  Does that stop you from bringing it up a MILLION TIMES when you get drunk/talk to a friend/kiss a girl/buy a stamp?  No.  Not by I long shot.  I bet you sit at home and listen to this song over and over.



Uruguay's footballing is WORST.

Endgame

I think that about clinches it, Uruguay.  You lose.

Does this mean that Paraguay doesn't suck?  Not by a long shot.  You're still a shitty country with a shitty team who doesn't stand a chance of winning, even against New Zealand.  I hate you for wasting a place at this summer's tournament.  I hate you more than I hate people who don't know how to use the word "myriad" properly.  I hate you in myriad ways.

But Uruguay, you're still the WORST IN LIFE.  The ABSOLUTE WORST.

-ZGS