Day Eight Wrap Up.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.  I've also seen some absolutely crazy shit today.  Check it out... for real.



GAME ONE

Based upon the way Germany played versus Australia, I think we all assumed Serbia were on their way out after today's match.  Then Miroslav Klose happened.

I know a lot of people around Crazytown are going to jump to Klose's defense and say that referee was riding the Insane Train to Cardsville, which maybe he was, but YOU STILL DON'T TAKE SOMEONE DOWN FROM BEHIND WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE A YELLOW CARD.  I don't care how softly you do it; you still did it.  It was an idiot move, one that pretty much cost Klose (who is actually Polish) and his team the game.

Or did it?

About a minute after Klose was sent off, Serbia scored their lone goal of the match thanks to Zigic being tall and Jovanovic being next to Zigic when he was tall.  The Serbians celebrated while the eleven German players cast eleven steely stares to the sky.

Halftime ensued.

I can't be entirely certain about what happened in the Serbian locker room during the break, but I'm pretty sure Radomir Antic, their coach, told them to throw the game.  Up a man and with a one goal lead, their second half was spent systematically trying to give Germany goal after goal, gifts the Germans were either too proud or too stupid to accept.

In the 60th minute, the game shifted into an alternate universe where Nemanja Vidic decided to intentionally handle the ball in the box, less than a week after his teammate Kuzmanovic gave Ghana the win by doing the exact same thing.  I do not , can not and will never understand how this ended up happening.  There was no one near Vidic when he threw out his arm.  It was SO MUCH NUTS STUFF.

Lukas Podolski (who is really Polish) stepped up to the spot to take the PK.  And missed.  He missed.  He missed so hard.  He missed so hard that I laughed, but I did not laugh as hard as he missed.  No one could laugh that hard.

Serbia wins, 1-0.  If the group ended today, Ghana and Serbia would be through to the next round.  We'll see how the stars align after Ghana plays Australia tomorrow.

GAME TWO

The USMNT is like a werewolf.*

The first half of games are like the day where, in human form, we are waffling wimpy mortals that give up goals and play like some shitty-shitdicks.  The second half of games are like the night where, if you know anything about werewolves, you have a pretty good idea about what goes down.

Today, we played like bitches in half one.  Supposedly Slovenia stomped all over our faces, controlling the ball and putting two goals (and subsequent rain-dance celebrations) past Timmay between the posts.  Meanwhile, the referee didn't do ANYONE any favors, and sucked harder than whatever sucks the hardest.  No, really.  He was FUCKING TERRIBLE.

In the second half, we came to life.  We were wolves, and Landon Donovan was the wolf with the biggest wolfdick.  His goal was SPECTACULAR.  He nearly tore Handmandanovicic's face off.  If the net hadn't stopped his shot, it would have left the earth's orbit.  Lepers on the outskirts of Damascus were suddenly healed of their lesions.  It was THAT great of a shot.

Then, Jozy Altidore realized he was bigger and stronger than the Slovenian's misfit defense, out jumping everything that's ever lived in the history of the world and nodding the ball down for Michael Bradley to toe poke past the keeper and into the annals of American History.  I wanted to marry that moment.  I wanted to break its leg and keep it in my house, a la Kathy Bates in Misery.  I wanted to wear it like a hat.

Remember how, earlier, I mentioned that the referee was FUCKING TERRIBLE?  Well, in the waning moments of the second half, he somehow managed ascend to a higher level of TERRIBLE, the highest level ever known:

SUPERFUCKINGAWEINSPIRINGWORSTREFEREEINTHEHISTORYOFTHEWORLDEVERIMEANSERIOUSLYYOUDICK

Tell me if you can see a foul in this picture:

You can't, because, well, THERE IS NO FOUL IN THIS PICTURE.

This is a picture of Maurice Edu scoring the winning goal.  Except it didn't count.  About a second after this happened, the referee called the goal back, asserting that the US had fouled Slovenia in the box.  WHERE?

We were robbed.  There is no other way to explain this.  We had vicotry ( a three goal comeback victory, no less) in our hands, and it was stolen from us.  By one man.  A man who has no business ever refereeing a match at that level again.  Ever.  In the history of ever.  Forever.

Fuck.

GAME THREE

England sucks.  Algeria plays defense.  0-0 tie.  Capello cries.

Algeria can advance if they beat the US and Slovenia beats or ties England.  England Advances if they beat Slovenia, or if they tie and the US ties Algeria.  The US advances if they beat Algeria, or if they tie and England loses.  If Slovenia doesn't lose, they advance.  Make sense?  Did I get that right?

PREVIEW

There are some games tomorrow.  I am tired.  Look it up yourself.

-ZGS

*I would say that it's a WereTeam, but Were actually means man, so I guess it would be a Team Wolf?