Day Thirteen Wrap Up.

It's all happening now.  As you may or may not have heard, the USA is FUCKING AWESOME.  Ignore the images and listen to the song.  Yes.



GAME ONE:  England 1 - Slovenia 0.

Slovenia:  And so endeth your reign of terror.

I'm willing to ignore the fact that you're not a real country for a moment, as long as we can talk about how it has been brought to my attention that Crispin Glover is one of your forwards.  This may have been the role of his life, but it wasn't enough; he didn't give you the juice needed to make it to the knock-out stage.  Your play against England could best be described as "Meh."  I could tell that, the longer the US-Algeria game, the harder you were collectively praying we ended in a tie.  And it almost happened, you fake fucks!  You'll have to forgive me for not watching your bodies wilt one by one as the news of Donovan's glory filtered into your camp; I was too busy yelling "FUCK FUUUUUUCK FUUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" at the TV.  When I watched the replay of your game, they cut away to commercial before I could witness your sorrow.  For this, I will always be sad, but nowhere near as sad as you must feel to have failed.  And boy did you fail.

England:  When are you going to bench Wayne Rooney?

I know this will never actually happen, but come on.  He's been less than stellar this tournament.  Jermaine Defoe looked lovely today, and not just because he scored, his face is proportional to his body and his features are symmetrical.  He looked DANGEROUS, which is something I can't really say about Rooney over the course of the Group Stage.  So, if we know that Defoe is the threat on the team, who do you think would be the best partner for him up top?  Heskey?  Fuck that.  Rooney?  I JUST RULED THAT OUT, YOU IDIOTS.  Crouch?  Yes.  Peter Crouch.  They only play together at Tottenham and scored 37 goals together over last season.  It's not like they know how to work off each other... oh wait.  It's exactly like that.  Will this ever happen?  No.  It won't.  I guarantee your team will ride Wayne Rooney's dick into ruin.  So, congratulations for advancing to the next stage (IN SECOND PLACE, might I add).  You're still a bunch of fucking morons.

GAME TWO:  USA 1 - Algeria 0.

Algeria:  I'm not going to use this as a forum to talk shit on you.

Kind of.  For most of the day, you played an open game and your red card was pretty undeserved.  While I firmly believe you didn't deserve to win today, I admit that you had some good chances (thank god for the post).  Was your behavior all admirable?  Well, allegedly, not really.  And then there was the fact that, toward the end of the game, you kind of played like time-wasting-bitches.  Oh well.  It didn't work.  You see, I can't feel that angry towards you, Algeria, because I have a feeling you'll always have a place in American Soccer Lore.  No matter how hard you try, we'll always remember you as the team that made us epic, that made the world root for the USA.  So, thanks.  I really appreciate it.  See you next NEVER.

USA:  I freaking love you so much, Landon Donovan.  I don't even have words.  I'll just use these pictures I downloaded to show how I feel.

The second shot is the one that really gets me.  I'm so happy for you guys.  There are no words.

GAME THREE:  Germany 1 - Ghana 0.

Ghana:  I hope you guys are writing Australia a Thank You Note.

You are only moving on because (SPOILER ALERT!!!) the Socceroos managed to take Serbia out of the running.  It's not like you beat Germany; it's not like you even tied Germany.  I'm not really sure what to say to you.  On the one hand, it's good that at least one African team made it to the Round of 16.  On the other hand, you're the USA's next opponent.  I'll settle for this:  You cheated us out of advancing in 2006 with a phantom penalty.  This time, things are ending differently.  You're getting FUCKED UP on Saturday.  Hard.  We're gonna molest your sensibilities, sexually assault your self-worth.  It's curtains for you, Black Stars.  Lick.  My.  Butt.  Hole.

Germany:  Oh my god, you're so boring.

You won 1-0.  Whoop-dee-doo (is that how you spell that?).  Next round, you face off against England in a match I officially dub "I Can't Decide Who I Want to Lose."  I'm totally dismissing you because I think you're a bunch of bitches.  Dismissed.

GAME FOUR:  Australia 2 - Serbia 1.

Australia:  I'm sorry for talking mad shit on you earlier.  I officially recant.

You totally exorcised any demons you may have had in relation to World Cup 2010.  You look like a totally different team from the disassemblage of men that fell 4-0 to Ze Germans.  While it took a great deal of luck (and Mark Schwarzer skill) to survive the first half shelling Serbia gave you, having done so, you completely deserved to win in the second period.  That took BALLS.  Big, veiny, brass-dipped balls.  Players of the game?  Likely-Phish-Enthusiast Josh Kennedy, Mark "I'm not Balding" Schwarzer and Tim "Not-Guilty" Cahill.  Who's balls were the biggest?  Probably Cahill's.  Coming back from a red-card suspension, he broke the game open with his (you guessed it) header goal.  While you didn't advance, I think you can go home proud.  You might not be that happy, but at least you have some  silly hats.

Serbia:  What a waste.

Your team had way too much talent to for this to happen.  I mean, you finished LAST in your group.  Not only did you give up two unnecessary PKs over the first two games, but your shooting percentage (shots taken v shots on goal) was something like 16%.  At least that's what the announcers said while I was watching.  Your team today was arguably twice as talented as the Aussies and you still failed.  Missed shot after missed chance after missed shot.  I was embarrassed for you, I was filling my mouth with ready-made excuses.  Because before this tournament, I had predicted you would make the semi-finals.  Now where are you?  Probably on a plane back to Serbia.  For shame.

-ZGS

PS:  I know the title on the Neil Diamond video is wrong.  It was a better quality than the other ones I could find.  So sue me.