The dust has settled on the first round of play. Here are your second round match-ups:
South Korea vs Uruguay. USA vs Ghana. Netherlands vs Paraguay. Brazil vs Chile. Argentina vs Mexico. Germany vs England. Paraguay vs Japan. Spain vs Portugal.
Shit is GOING DOWN faster than a FELLATIO REFERENCE.
GAME ONE: Brazil 0 - Portugal 0.
Portugal? More like Bore-tugal. Are you with me, guys?
THIS GAME WAS, LIKE, TOTALLY AWFUL (especially if you were still rooting for Ivory Coast's goalandslide outside chance). No, seriously. This game was pretty terrible. But who was to blame?
Portugal, obviously. From about three days before kick-off, you could tell they were playing for the draw. When the game actually started, Brazil tried their best to make it a game, but the Iberians were having none of it. I'm pretty sure they were playing a 12-1-1 formation for most of the first half, and shifted to a 40-40-0 after the break.
By playing for the tie, Portugal secured their place in the knock-out stage behind Brazil. And, in the process, showed the world their true colors. What a bunch of bitches.
GAME TWO: Ivory Coast 3 - North Korea 0.
Too little, too late, Ivory Coast. Assuming that Portugal weren't going to play like a bunch of bitches, and assuming that Brazil was going to be Brazil, you needed eight goals in order to swing your way into the second round. Your situation reminded me of Lloyd confessing his love to Mary in Dumb and Dumber:
North Korea, thanks for playing. I wish you all the best in your travels, hopefully to anywhere but home.
GAME THREE: Honduras 0 - Switzerland 0.
Honduras, I owe you for this one. If the Swiss had beaten you (like everyone thought they would), there would have been a freaky-deeky three-way tie for first place in the group, and based upon The Dreaded Goal Differential, Chile could have lost out to Die Schwiez's boring, defense laden style of play. But that didn't happen, now did it?
The last 20 minutes of this game were actually really fun to watch, despite the lack of goals. It was kind of like attending a middle-school play: Everyone running around, playing to the audience, fumbling their lines and totally misunderstanding that Death of a Salesman was actually a drama. In the end, it was good fun, but I wouldn't exactly call it compelling theatre.
And... SCENE.
GAME FOUR: Spain 2 - Chile 1.
The first half of this game was interesting. There were goalkeeping mistakes, an undeserved red card, a 45 yard goal and Fernando Torres totally stinking up the place. If I were Vincente Bosque, I would have subbed him out after 30 minutes. He. Was. Terrible. More disappointing than Wayne Rooney. More disappointing than Crystal Clear Pepsi. More disappointing than Predator 2.
Down to ten men, Chile somehow managed a goal a few minutes into the second half. With news of the SwissDuras game filtering in from the sidelines, Spain and Chile both slowly reached a peace accord, and the game ground to a creaking halt. It was kind of sad, but at the same time, I was pretty okay with it. It all came down to a question of style over substance, and since I wanted both Rojas to advance, I dealt with the ugly last 20 minutes of Chile standing around as Puyol and Pique passed the ball back and forth.
Also, you should do a little research on the (terrible) referee from this match. His nickname is Chiqui Dracula. Simply amazing.
PREVIEW
Uruguay vs South Korea
My money is on the Diego Forlans, but you never know. South Korea has been known to pack a few surprises under their incredible haircuts.
United States vs Ghana
[Insert blind nationalism here]. I feel bad that we have to play the only African team to advance, but barring Slovakia, Ghana could be the best team to get drawn against in the Round of 16. Even if Ghana brings its A-Game, I honestly believe that the US will win. [Insert Team America quote here].
I'm so excited I could shit.
-ZGS
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