Day Ten and Eleven Wrap Up.

So, yeah.  I missed a day.  I'm human.  Humans need sleep.  And to finish reading a Haruki Murakami novel.  Don't judge me.



SUNDAY - GAME ONE

Oh, Slovakia.  You just aren't very good, now are you?  Another lackluster game, another loss, another disappointment.  If you're gonna hold the ball for half the game, you have to muster more than one shot on target.  Three yellow cards tell the tale of your frustration.  And a warranted tale it is.

Paraguay, you are my inspiration.  By stomping the Slovaks, you've almost guaranteed your place in the knock-out stage.  While there were no Paraguay-Boob-Girl sightings during the game, your passing and unselfish team play more than compensated for the lack of eye candy.  Your first goal was pretty slick; Vera's outside of the foot finish was crazyclassy.  2-0 was a great result and puts you in position to finish the group in first place if you can get a result against the surprising New Zealand on Thursday.

SUNDAY - GAME TWO

Italy, you're a bunch of bastards.  Seriously.  I don't care if you were the better team, New Zealand deserved the win.  Why?  Because they didn't cheat to score.  I hate you.  I hate you.  I really super hate you.  I want  you to go to the deepest part of Hell, look around, then find a secret passage to an even hotter, nastier, you-getting-ass-raped-ier part of Hell.  Oh, and way to be a stereotype.  You scored your goal off a penalty you dove to earn.  Nobody saw THAT coming.*

New Zealand, you're the biggest revelation of the tournament.  You're punching way above your weight.  Keep it up.  Even if you don't make the second round, you've more than exorcised the demons of your previous tournament visit.  It is my earnest hope that your draw with Italy keeps them out of the second stage.  I will buy you all sandwiches if this happens.  I will hire women of ill repute to give you all a squeezer.

SUNDAY - GAME THREE

OH MY GOD THIS GAME WAS BORING AND IT WAS A GOOD THING I WAS DRINKING BEER WITH GOOD FRIENDS AT THE TAIL END OF A WEEKEND VISIT TO DC BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF.

For a game with four goals featuring Brazil and Dr. Ogba, I can't really put into words how slow, mind-numbing and terrifying this game was.  It.  Was.  Awful.  Sure, there were some talking points (like Fabiano's second goal hand jobs and Kaka's undeserved red card), but somehow, I was extremely unmoved by all of it.  Unmoved, kind of like both teams for most of the game.

I swear to you that no one ran during the course of this whole match.  It looked like the players were in an alternate dimension where time moved at 1/8 normal speed.  Even when the teams scored, it looked like it was happening in slow motion.  It was a constant Michael Bay movie; everyone diving to avoid explosions.

Thanks to the results of this 3-1 boring match, the Ivory Coast is extremely unlikely to qualify for the knock-out stages.  Find out why in our next section.

MONDAY - GAME ONE

You know how, when something you fully expect to happen happens, there's a small sense of satisfaction in being all clairvoyant and shit, but you're mostly disappointed that life isn't as interesting as TV and movies have tricked you into thinking it can be?

When Portugal ate North Korea's sandwich to the tune of 7-0, that's exactly how I felt.

Plus, it was Portugal, who I totally fucking hate.  Now, even if CRonaldo and Co. lose to Brazil, the Ivory Coast has to beat NorKor by roughly 37 goals to advance.  Poopsticks.

MONDAY - GAME TWO

Chile, you make me feel funny inside.  On the one hand, FUCK SWITZERLAND.  On the other hand, if you beat the Swiss, it makes it harder for the Spanish to advance to the second stage.  I mean, I think I want you to advance, too, but I'm struggling to see how both of these wishes can coexist.  Spain needs to beat you, which would drag down your goal differential, while I can't see Switzerland losing to Honduras.  Welcome to the clusterfuck.

So then you went and beat the Swiss, which, given the situation, I think you deserved to.  What situation am I referring to?  The MAYBE red card Valon Behrami (yes, that's a name) received in the 31st minute.  With Switzerland down to ten men, Chile had the run of the game (barring one GREAT chance for the Swizz in the 90th minute), totally deserving the goal and the win.

So.  Because of this, I now make this proclamation:  Shit is going down on Friday.  Quote me.

MONDAY - GAME THREE

Spain beat Honduras 2-0 in the final game of the day.  This was the Spain we all expected to see, minus Fernando Torres playing like ASS.  David Villa scored a pleasant little goal that the announcers crowed and crowed over, but it was mostly a product of poor defending.  A two goal victory is all well and good, but a couple more goals would have gone a long way to putting Spain in a less tenuous situation.

So far, in this group, Honduras has been an afterthought.  That could all change if they get a result against the Swiss.

PREVIEW

Group A and Group B throw down tomorrow for all the marbles.

In Group A, Uruguay and Mexico are in excellent positions to advance, and both will, if they tie.  If Mexico wins and France beats South Africa by a large margin, Les Bleus (aka the Total Trainwreck) could somehow squeak through.  If Uruguay wins, and South Africa takes out the French by roughly 50, the hosts are on to the second stage.

In Group B, Argentina is already through.  If Greece beats the Tinos and South Korea ties or loses, the Pirate Ship advances.  If Nigeria beats South Korea and Greece loses, Nigeria advances.  If South Korea beats or ties Nigeria and Greece ties or loses, the Taeguk Warriors are through.

It's gonna be interesting, folks.  I have no clue what's gonna happen.  See you on the other side.

-ZGS

*Sarcasm!