Prisonball.

Imagine someone just told me they were rooting for the Aussies this summer.  There's really only one way I could respond to that, right?

"That's not a country.  THIS is a country."

WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM - AUSTRALIA EDITION

Dear Australia-

I'm not really sure where to begin.  You're a quaint group of gentlemen, I'll give you that.  I guess you also score points for speaking in a language I generally understand and that I suppose we'll refer to as "English."  But that's where the esteem ends, you idiots.  That's definitely where it ends.

Let's tell a little knock-knock joke to get the hate-ball rolling.

ZGS:  Knock-knock, Australia.
AUS:  Who's there?
ZGS:  Your team nickname sucks.
AUS:  Your team nickname sucks who?
ZGS:  Your team nickname sucks every other team's dick.


Socceroos?  Socceroos.  SOCCEROOS?!?  I have heard a lot of stupid shit in my time, Australia.  I've probably said most of it.  But this?  This takes the cake.  Here is how I imagine your soccer federation came up with this travesty of a moniker:

AUStereotype 1:  G'day, mate!
AUStereotype 2:  G'day, mate!
A1:  G'day!  What says Australia to you, mate?
A2:  G'day, wallabies, mate!
A1:  G'day, that ain't fierce enough there, mate.
A2:  G'day, you're roight, mate!
A1:  G'day.  How 'bout kangaroos, mate?
A2:  G'day, that's perfect!  Socceroos, mate!
UNISON:  G'day!!!!!!

If you're going to name your team something so stereotypical and ridiculous, you probably speak exclusively in cultural cliches.  Socceroos is the worst name in the history of giving things names.  I would be embarrassed to play on Australia, knowing how people are expected to refer to my team.  What if the US had used a similar tactic for our nickname?  We would be called the Freedomballers (I think that could somehow be shortened, but I can't figure out how).  I guarantee you.

What the hell is a "Pim Verbeek?"  Is that a person or an unspeakable sexual act?  If the latter is the case, I want to go on record as having said that no one, not even the Mexican team, deserves to be coached by an unspeakable sexual act.  No one.  If the former is the case, why do you always have Dutchmen as your coaches?  Have some national pride, you gutless choads.  Think locally, act globally, or whatever that hippie saying is.

Your tallest striker, Josh Kennedy, is that guy everyone knew freshman year of college and totally hated.  He probably lived one floor up, but had a really good friend who lived next door to you.  It is very likely he ate most of the Easy Mac your parents sent you.  Sophomore year, he traveled to Asia for school, but didn't go to classes, choosing to surf and "study with a super intense guru" instead.  When he came back, every third sentence he spoke started with "You know, in Budhism..."  What.  A.  Tool.

Your squad's average age is 28.43.  That is way too old for a non-established nation; it's not like Maldini plays for your country.  Conventional logic is that a player cannot be effective past the age of 32.  You have nine players above the age of 30.  Just saying.

Andohmygod, I just realized that for the next three weeks, we're going to hear over and over and over and over about how you were cheated out of a quarterfinals appearance by Italy (who, no doubt, I hate).  I get it.  It happened.  Get over it.  You're not gonna get past the first round, so why worry about a rematch?

Finally, as the US defeated you this Saturday by a score of 3-1, so you shouldn't even bother showing up for any more of your games.  It's best to end your tournament on a loss to the eventual champions.  Makes you look a lot better.  Losers.

Australia, I hate your team more than I hate your national food, vegemite.  That shit is gross, just like your faces.

-ZGS