Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.
Up this week on the scales of justice?
WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - GHANA VS NIGERIA
It's hard for me to think about the names of these two countries without immediately being reminded of something else. This is annoying.
Ghana --> My cousin Chana --> St. Paul --> My life's goal of canoeing the entire Mississippi River --> Failure --> Singing "A Whole New World" at a Wanamaker Elementary school assembly in Fourth Grade --> Wanting to sing "Part of Your World" --> Early signs of my impending gayness.
Nigeria --> Racial Slurs --> Detroit Red --> Denzel Washington --> Symmetry --> The Neo-Classical architecture in downtown Topeka --> Being transferred to private school --> Herpetology Counts --> Milk Snakes --> Milksteaks --> Bleached Assholes --> My current celibacy.
So, which word association is WORST?
I have to give it to Nigeria on this one. While Ghana's road takes us through some odd and embarrassing personal history, I have to say that Nigeria's path lacks the elegant narrative I'm really looking for when I play word games. Plus, there's racism involved, and you know how much I hate that.
Nigeria's word association is WORST.
geography, so the quizzes on there are a good way to learn/test your mental mettle.
Being the best is always a numbers game, and as such, there are roughly seven million more quizzes about the United States than any other country. Using that logic, when comparing Ghana and Nigeria, whichever country has less nation-specific quizzes is obviously WORST.
The count? Nigeria: 3, Ghana: 1.
Ghana's potential for quizzing is WORST.
Nigeria's mercurially underachieving team has long been fingered (ha! fingered!) as the first African team expected to make the semi-finals of a World Cup tournament. This year, after a putrid qualifying campaign, the pressure on the Super Eagles is somewhat lessened, but only somewhat.
lost its cherry in Germany 2006, beating the Czechs and the US on their way to the second round. Filled to the brim with thoughts of future greatness, The Black Stars have dubbed themselves "The Hope of Africa." We'll see how well that hubris serves them in a subtly tough group.
So, who is WORST?
For me, this comes down to what I think would win in a fight: A Super Eagle or a Black Star. It's a hard call to make. Super Eagles are known for their superior swooping ability, as well as poison claws and lazerbutt (a horrifying and strangely beautiful attack form), but honestly, I'm not really sure how a Black Star throws down. Frankly, the unknown is a TERRIFYING prospect, and therefore far superior to some giant eagle with special powers.
Nigeria's team is WORST.
Style of Play as Comparisons to Vin Diesel Movies
Nigeria is "The Fast and the Furious."
Ghana plays with a metered violence. Not in it for style and still a relative unknown, the rest of the world is unsure what to expect from the Black Stars at any given time. Big and strong, they can achieve great physical feats on the pitch, but their true secret weapon is their heart and devotion to a code of ethics.
Ghana is "The Chronicles of Riddick."
So, which is WORST?
Don't get me wrong, both of these movies are shitty, but only one of them is shitty-good. Watch the following clips to see why:
Furthermore, just take a guess as to which movie the concept of the Underverse and the quote "You keep what you kill" is from.
Nigeria's Vin Diesel comparison is WORST.
with great power comes great responsibility" test. You're pissing off Stan Lee, and he's an American Hero.
Ghana, you've chosen to make it personal. By beating the US in 2006 (that was NOT a PK), you're officially on my shit list. Do I wish you ill? Not really. Do I wish you mediocrity? Boy howdy, do I. Hopefully, without Michael Essien this year, you'll meet an early exit. Good riddance.
So, what is WORST?
Despite the fact that Nigeria (with the exception of Kanu) is really fucking annoying, old grudges die hard. Die hard with a vengeance. Ghana, not enough time has passed for me to forgive, let alone forget. Fool me once...
Ghana is historically WORST.
If you tally up the scores, Nigeria is WORST three times, edging out Ghana's two.
I stand behind this assessment. Despite my open ire for Ghana (who are too reliant on one player, and as such, will now fail in South Africa), Nigeria just sucks. You barely made it to the tournament, your players are uninspiring, your coach was a failure in Sweden and you probably smell like a big dump. A big, wet dump.
I hereby decree:
Nigeria, you are the WORST. The ABSOLUTE WORST team ever.