Day Fourteen Wrap Up.

Something happened today that makes me very happy.  Read on to find out why.



GAME ONE:  Slovakia 3 - Italy 2.

Italy is out of the tournament.  No, really.  That said:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I feel like I did the first time I saw Darth Vader throw the The Emperor down that ventilation shaft at the end of Return of the Jedi.  IN YOUR FACE, EVIL!

Slovakia, I don't think I'll ever know how to thank you.  All three of your goals showcased why Italy didn't deserve to make it out of the group.  They were slow, undisciplined, and generally a bunch of poops.  Granted, the ease with which Italy scored on you twice showcased why you're going to lose your next game, but let's not dwell on negatives.  ITALY IS GONE!

GAME TWO:  Paraguay 0 - New Zealand 0.

New Zealand deserves a slow-clap-standing-ovation for their performances this tournament.  Let me put it in perspective for those of you who aren't hardcore soccer fans:  The Kiwis earning three points and never losing a game is the equivalent of all that shit that happened in the movie Cool Runnings, only in soccer and starring mostly white people.  Times a thousand.  Drawing with Paraguay may not have been enough to get you into the final round, but you can be super proud of your showing in South Africa.  You finished above the reigning world champions, for fuck's sake.  Kudos to YOU.

Paraguay, you're also deserving of praise.  If you'd asked any non-Paraguayan before the first game of the tournament, topping (gay innuendo!) the group was something one trillion out of one trillion people would have scoffed at the possibility.  Yet, here you are.  Tying Italy was the key to your success, I think.  There was never any doubt that you weren't going to collect points off Slovakia and Nude Zealand.  But when you held Italy to a draw, it started their downward spiral and your slow, steady rise.  I don't know what to expect from you going forward.  I doubt you do, either.

GAME THREE:  Netherlands 2 - Cameroon 1.

The Netherlands played like a slightly disinterested version of The Netherlands.  Cameroon played like Cameroon at the World Cup post 1990.  This game would have meant something if Cameroon had managed to win, snatching the moral victory in its final game.  Instead, they didn't, so the game didn't either.  Color me BORED.

GAME FOUR:  Japan 3 - Denmark 1.

Denmark, you looked LOST, and I don't mean LOST like that fucking show everyone j-ed off over for six seasons.  Your only goal was on a bullshit penalty call that Daniel Agger couldn't believe he pulled off.  But you couldn't even score a penalty correctly; Tommasson got his shit stuffed and had to put it in off the rebound.  SAD FACE.  I'm happy to see you go, Denmark.  You made me want to do the opposite of shoop.

After today's dismantling of the Danes, the entire world has a Rising Sun for Japan (if by "sun" I meant "boner").  They swashed and they buckled and Keisuke Honda repeatedly fisted Denmark's defense.  Two goals off free kicks and one from the run of play in the final five minutes punctuated the fact that Japan are not just a defensive team.  I still hold fast that it's ridiculous to think that this team will make the semi-finals, but I'm definitely going to watch you with greater interest, going forward.  You IN-TRIG-UE me.

-ZGS