What is Worst in Life? - Round Four.

Welcome back to WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? the timesaving version of WHY I HATE YOUR TEAM.

Wherein I compare and contrast the massive shortcomings of two World Cup nations in an arbitrary number of categories, determining once and for all which country's team is WORST.

This week, we examine how succeeding in life is quite often a name game, but other times, it's definitely not.


WHAT IS WORST IN LIFE? - GREECE vs NETHERLANDS


Longest Name on the Team

Sokratis Papastathopoulos versus Giovanni van Bronckhorst.

At 24 letters, S.P. is taking it to the limit, one more time.  The scary thing is, I bet he has a middle name, too.  GvB clocks in at an impressive 22, but with the lowercase "van" in between the two larger chunks, it just doesn't have the visual heft that Poopastatwatthermopolis is packing.

So, which name is WORST?

Sokratis is a pretty sweet first name, especially if you're into boy touching.*  Papastathopoulos, on the other hand, is completely ridiculous.  Even if you're Greeker than The Greek from The Wire (only a few of you will get that joke), there's no way you can hear such a monstrosity and not instantly feel sorry for whoever has that bullshit constantly dragging them down from behind.

Giovanni makes a man sound either artistic or Italian, so I'm not so fond of that.  My family owned two vans growing up, both of which were sweet, so I can get behind the middle part.  Bronckhurst not only has a four-consonant-cluster, but it sounds like a delicious meat product.  I love delicious meat products.

At the end of the day, I just can't get behind the potential for NAMBLA style relationships, so the Greek entry into this match-up is the loser.

Sokratis Papastathopoulos's long-ass-name is WORST.

Name the Sounds Most like a Religious Building

Angelos Charisteas versus Khalid Boulahrouz.

Imagine you're reading an travel guide book, for a second.

"As you crest the final hill on the road from Ampelion, you catch sight of Sivista across the lake.  There, on the cliffs above the bay, sits the white face of the Angelos Charisteas, gleaming in the sunlight."

Now, imagine you're reading an Art History text.

"The main function of the Khalid Boulahrouz was to serve as a gateway between the earth and the underworld. The four octagonal chambers arranged in a semi-circle around the main complex were used to house the bodies of the deceased before they were burned in the main temple on the eve of the new moon."

So, which religious building in WORST?

Obviously, it's Angelos Charisteas.  At the very best, it was probably a Greek Orthodox church, and as it's not that well known/not in a major tourist destination, it probably sucks, no matter how hard guide books try to convince you otherwise.  The Khalid Boulahrouz sounds amazing.  Anything involving the burning of human bodies has a definite mystique.

Angelous Charisteas, your religious building is WORST.

Most Stereotypical Name

Nikos Spiropolous versus Rafael van der Vaart.

On the one hand, have you ever heard of a Greek family without at least three Nikoses in it?  On the other hand, Rafael van der Vaart is one of those Dutch names that seems like it's got at least two unnecessary words in it, if not four.

So, what is WORST?

RvdV loses by a nose.  While Nikos is the quintessential Greek name, my English speaking brain cannot comprehend why Rafael van der Vaart can't just go by Fafael Vaart.  This isn't Scrabble.  Stop bogarting the letters.

Rafael van der Vaart is WORST.

Odd Man Out

Michail Sifakis versus Ryan Babel.

It was inevitable that there would be some misfits, some weird kids on the team.  Which name is more of an outcast?

Michail Sifakis is basically biting former US presidential hopeful Michael Dukakis's style.  Michail is SO western when compared to your teammates.  Oh, and not only is your name super Americanized, you probably look stupid riding a tank.  Sucks to be you.

Ryan Babel, if I had to choose your nationality based upon name, I would say "Canadian."  Why?  Because you sound BARELY foreign; not quite foreign enough for me to think you were an American son of immigrants, but still weird to the point you probably believe in socialized medicine and other ridiculous shit.

So, what is WORST?

Ryan Babel wins the day, and by wins, I mean loses.  Though Michail sounds super American, Sifakis is still pretty out there, despite just having three syllables.  He may not fit in with his team, but he fits in better than lacrosse playing, Mississagua native Ryan Babel.

Ryan Babel's name is WORST.

Stupidest Name

Christos Patsatzoglou versus Demy de Zeeuw.

Every time I say Christos Patsatzoglou out loud, I feel like I'm casting a spell.  I feel like I'm damning my ex lover to a life of eternal priapism or warding my children from the Evil Eye.  This name sounds like a lost verse of the Bible translated into Greek, in which John the Baptist is describing the onomatopoeia of Jesus throwing up.  "Christos PATSATZOGLOU."

Demy de Zeeuw, I have no clue how to say your name.  I think you may be a Star Wars charcater.  Or maybe one of the Nelwyns from Willow.  No matter how you look at it, George Lucas HAD to be involved in giving you a name.  No one else in the world has the power to create such reprehensible names for his characters.  Oh well.  At least you're not Count Dooku.

So, who's stupid name is WORST?

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think Christos Patsatzoglou is the stupidest name.  While I still can't say Demy de Zeeuw, Patsatzoglou is just such a ridiculous combination of sounds that not even George Lucas could have come up with it.  It's that bad.  I would be happier if his name was Butttits McPoop.  When that's the bar your name sets, you have serious problems.

Christos Patsatzoglou's stupid name is barely WORST.

Endgame

The Greeks lose in a tight race, 3-2.  But let's face it:  Both your teams are ridiculous.

Netherlands, it's criminal that Ruud van Nistelrooy is not on your team.  He's my favorite striker of all time.  I predict that you'll win all three games in your group, then crap out in the second round LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.  You're a bunch of choke artists, and guess what?  That's the only kind of art I like less than Performance.  I hope you all get dickrot.

Greece, you're an even bigger waste of my time.  You'll come out with 8 defenders and two forwards, play the most boring brand of football the world has ever seen, and tie every game 0-0, even though though the score should be -134 - 0 based upon your gutless play.  Your players all have ugly facial hair and you clean yourself with olive oil in the ancient way.  I hate you more than I hate the State of Missouri.

Greece, you are officially the WORST IN LIFE.  The ABSOLUTE WORST team ever.

-ZGS

*That was one thing about Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure I never understood:  If Socrates was Bill and Ted's teacher, how come he never tried to put the moves on them?  It's a pretty well known fact that he gave most of Athens at least a handjob.  That's why he refused to leave, opting for the hemlock wine cooler; there were too many memories.  So how did our San Diman heroes managed to escape his clutches?