Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women, Part Two.

In August of 2008, I went to London for the annual IGLFA championships.  While there, I rolled with a mishmash squad of players from DC, Philly, Denver, Toronto, London, Spain, Denmark, Mordor, Dagobah and the United States of Tara.  It was through said team that I ended up meeting Keph, the subject of today's Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women.

In September of 2009, Keph traveled to South Africa to work with some local charities, staying with another member of the above mentioned team, a Philly expatriate I call Creeper Carty (who you will soon meet).  Given time and inclination, I would suggest you check out Keph's blog, which chronicles her trip and its extended influence on her life at home.

Introduction complete, I present to you:

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN - KEPH EDITION





Prologue:  I am now officially fingering you for my ongoing series "Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women."  Ha.  Fingering.  (This joke never gets old.)

I think you mean "Brief Interviews with Dashing Lesbians", but I'm loathe to turn down a good fingering.

(INNUENDO!!!!!!!)

1)  Why aren't you going to the World Cup, right now?

South Africa is SO 2009. Actually, I would love to go back and "right now" is definitely the time, but it's a sad truth that I was neither born a duke nor do I have a wealthy patron.

(Don't we all want a Anna Nicole Smith situation [minus the death]?  Unfortunately, I don't think either of us currently qualify as a "pretty young thing," which is generally a prerequisite for that kind of deal.)

2)  You're Canadian.  Why do you even care about soccer?

Soccer is the ONLY sport I care about. Soccer bridged the gap between sport and art for me. I am not required to leave my creativity at the sidelines and, conversely, it's made my writing more immediate, brawnier, and courageous.

(While soccer takes up about 80% of my sports-related brain space, my remaining affections are spread fairly evenly across the American spectrum.  I think we share the idea that soccer is the most magnanimous game in the world, ultimately more willing to embrace than separate.  Whatever you put in, it gives back ten-fold.  It feeds the rest of your life.)

3)  Who are you rooting for next week?

I am not ashamed to tell you that I don't have a favourite. I swear my allegiances based on whim or wine. I tend to go for the underdog, or a fetching jersey.

(You may not be ashamed, but you SHOULD be.  You're from Toronto, not The Hague.  Pick a fucking team.  I suggest NOT Portugal.)

4)  You fall down a lot when you play.  Predict the most unorthodox tactic we'll see in the tournament.

It's been too long since we saw each other. I haven't fallen down in ages, but I am happy to hear that the legend lives on. I am hoping that someone will pirate my other (ahem) unorthodox maneuver: the package-grab.

(First off, [insert obligatory UPS joke here].  In my younger, assholier days, the first time a player I was marking in a game would go up for a 50/50 ball against me, I would intentionally headbutt them.  The theory was, after tasting my pain, they would not be very keen on challenging me again.  It was not a pleasant or gentlemanly strategy, and I'm kind of ashamed of having done it.)

5)  Compare each of the six classical simple machines to a player featuring on the pitch in South Africa.

This question would be just as hard if you were asking to simply name six players (don't judge me). I can, however, name all six simple machines: wheel, wedge, pulley, plane, lever, and of course, screw.

(I guess I'll have to do it, then.

Wheel:  Kaka [The man is nearly frictionless.]
Wedge:  Terry [Get it?!?!?!??!?]
Pulley:  Kanu [Inspirational super-sub.]
Plane:  Bornstein [If he's playing, things are headed downhill.]
Lever:  Pienaar [Lifts more than he should have to.]
Screw:  Terry [GET IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?]

Served.)

6)  Without using the internet, name five of the sites at which 2010 World Cup games will be played.

All I know is that the plural of stadium is stadia.

(I'm not even sure I can do this... Pretoria, JoBurg, Durban, Cape Town, Rustenberg [spelling].  I'm pretty sure all of those are correct, but I can't exactly check, can I?  That would ruin the challenge.)

7)  Who is your favorite European "explorer" (read: conqueror and racist)?

It's a toss up between Amerigo Vespucci and Francisco Pizarro, based solely on how fun it is to say their names.

(I always like Balboa, mostly because he got his ass decapitated.)

8)  From a distance, which German player would make the cutest girl?

Depends on your type. Marko Marin would make a very cute baby butch but I am a sucker for long dark hair so we're going Khedira.

(You = The Final Word On This, as far as I'm concerned.)

9)  Where is your favorite place to eat in East London?

Show me the way to the nearest braai.

(BBQ, in any language, is the best word, though Kansas City style is the Muhammad Ali of that shit.)



10)  True or False:  Slovenia is a real country.

Trick question. False, obviously.

(You complete me.)