Thursday, July 8, 2010

Ultimate Interviews - Travis.

We've learned a lot over the past month.  As the Final approaches on Sunday, it's time for an interview round-up.  We'll be hearing from each of our World Cup correspondents ONE LAST TIME in a segment I toyed with calling Event Horizon, but I've probably talked enough about Sci-Fi on this blog.  So.  First up?


TRAVIS:  THE ULTIMATE INTERVIEW
All questions asked via email.  Additional commentary in parens.



1)  The Finals are set.  Are you happy?

i'm still bitter about the usmnt going out the way that they did...they deserved so much more after their gutsy performance in the group stages. that being said, i am extremely happy with the 2 teams who did make it to the finals. first and foremost there will be a new nation that will lift the trophy this sunday and i think that is ultimately a good thing for the game. secondly, before the tournament started i predicted spain to take the honors (albeit over england...who knows what the fuck i was thinking with that pick...i guess their media hype really is convincing) and i'm glad to see them make it there, even if they did it (mostly) in very a un-spain-like manner. thirdly, i am extremely happy that the dutch are in the finals. after the usmnt went out i decided to pour my rooting efforts into the dutch team because i have always enjoyed their style of play (although they seem to be taking a lesson from the italians and portuguese and are rolling around on the ground a lot more than normal...this is something i fucking hate) and would love to see them win.

(I never expected to see Spain GRIND its way into the finals.  I'm still not sure what to think about it.)

2)  What's the best thing you've Ronaldoed while watching a game?

i ronaldoed the shit out of the pure essence of american brand freedom(tm) that exuded from the entire stadium in pretoria after landon scored against algeria. i ate it up like it was bacon wrapped bacon dipped in bacon sauce.

(Delicious.)

3)  I've talked a lot on this blog about vampires and other creatures of the night.  Who's your vote for best monster at the World Cup?

asamoah gyan. he ripped out my heart like that weird fucker from indiana jones and the temple of doom.

(That's Mola Ram to the uneducated, leader of the Thuggee Cult under Pankot Palace.  Not that I like said movie, or anything.)

4)  Tell me one thing you've learned about South Africa thanks to this tournament.

a lot of south africans (black and white) personally told me that while apartheid sucked and was terrible, that at least shit worked during it. kind of fucked up.

(That's kind of fucked up.)

5)  Out of the four remaining captains in the Final and Consolation match, who would win in a fight:  Diego Lugano, Giovanni van Broknckhorst, Philip Lahm or Iker Casillas?


clearly giovanni van broncohorse...i mean, look at his name, he's a bronco-horse. those fuckers are deadly.

6)  Which team's exit from the tournament made you laugh the most?

while italy's exit made me cheer the most, france's made me laugh the most...until i realized that they completely fucked the irish out of their shot at the cup and then pissed away their chances by being a bunch of spoiled little brats, or in essence, by being french.

(The only good thing France ever did was teach Julia Child to cook.)

7)  Compare the USMNT's performance in South Africa to dining at a chain restaurant.

you and your buddies want to go to eat and there is your standard steak place that will have something for everyone so it inevitably becomes the go-to restaurant...even though the service is shoddy, it takes forever to get seated at a table and get your drinks and food ordered...but once the food comes its not so bad...sometimes you find something on the menu that they actually manage to make really well and then you know that the dessert is coming and they have this awesome brownie with a hershey bar melted on top and a side of ice cream and the entire beginning of the meal experience is forgotten because you are in ecstasy eating this brownie...and then one time you go and are expecting the brownie but the waiter tells you they dont have it anymore and you kind of just sit at the table dumbstruck, not knowing what to say or do, its heartbreaking. and then you contemplate fire-bombing the ghanian restaurant next door because somehow its their fault that there is no more brownie.

8)  Which player was the biggest disappointment at the World Cup?

cristiano ronaldo stands out to me. he didnt do shit. just like ronaldinho didnt do shit last cup. it always seems to happen that these crazy amazing dribbling phenoms dont show up for the world cup (dont get me wrong, i love watching ronaldinho play and was very upset when he was basically worthless in 2006). i dont know what it is...except c.ronaldo must love rolling around in the grass because he spent most of his time doing that. maybe his parents didnt let him roll down hills when he was a kid so he's trying to get it in now...i dunno.

(I'm of the opinion that, when Ronaldo was younger, he threw a lot of tantrums that involved rolling around on the ground.  Now he's learned that it's still a good tactic for getting his way.  Oh, and by younger, I meant when he was 23.  Two years ago.)

9)  Make up a curse word I can shout during the Final on Sunday.

jabulatard. usage: what you call a goalie when he gets faked out of his ass by the jabulani swerving like a drunk driver.

(EG:  Diego Forlan made Skeletonburg look like such a jabultard.  I like it.)

10)  We've all learned a lot over the course of the past month.  Final question.  True or false:  Slovenia is a real country.

koman coulibaly tried his hardest to legitimize this fake country but he ultimately failed. FALSE.

PS:  HUP HOLLAND!


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