We've learned a lot over the past month.
As the Final approaches on Sunday, it's time for an interview round-up. We'll be hearing from each of our World Cup correspondents ONE LAST TIME in a segment I toyed with calling Ender's Game, but at the end of the day, FUCK Orson Scott Card.
1) The Finals are set. Are you happy?
Bittersweet feeling. I'm excited about the potential of the final, sad to see the cup go.
(ME TOO! WE HAVE THE SAME SADNESS!)
2) What's the best thing you've Ronaldoed* while watching a game?
During this World Cup - BBQ Chicken and asparagus.
(Let's talk about your digestive system: BBQ Chicken = A decent, deep maroon poop. Asparagus = stinky pee. I'm sure your family loved you later that night.)
3) I've talked a lot on this blog about vampires and other creatures of the night. Who's your vote for best monster at the World Cup?
Counting down from from five to one:
5. Dirk Kuyt - he seems to do all the dirty work up front for the netherlands which makes sense since he is a cave-troll.
4. Skeletonburg - I didn' think the undead could be so quick. On the other hand, he shows as much emotion as a skeleton.
3. Cuauhtémoc Blanco - only monsters have heads that big.
2. Raul Miereles - he looks like a goblin. If he were green skinned he would need to worry about dwarves and elves trying to chop him with axes and shoot him with arrows.
1. Carlos Puyol - a member of the caveman club with Dirk Kuyt, Puyol is one part gorilla, one part cromagnon man, and eight gazillion parts greasy tresses. Scares the heck out of me.
(This is just wrong. Puyol is a man. He's a protoman. He's not a monster. He's the Flash Gordon of this shit. He'll save everyone of us. Now, that whole Miereles being a goblin thing? That I can get behind. DUDE'S A FUCKING GOBLIN!)
4) Tell me one thing you've learned about South Africa thanks to this tournament.
From an ESPN special just before the group stages, I learned about one of the top South African play-by-play announcers. He has to contend with listeners who speak multiple languages, and some-how (apparently) he manages to reach out to all of the different linguistic groups of the country. He is most famous for his goal call - "La Duma" meaning in isiZulu "it has thundered." My goals would be way more impressive if people shouted "It has thundered" after I score.
(I should get that guy to do play-by-play for my many epic fartses.)
5) Out of the four remaining captains in the Final and Consolation match, who would win in a fight: Diego Lugano, Giovanni van Broknckhorst, Philip Lahm or Iker Casillas?
Diego Lugano. He looks innocent, but by nature defenders are mean, and he would break Giovanni like a twig.
(His hair looks kind of like a helmet, too. No one else on this list can boast that kind of protection.)
6) Which team's exit from the tournament made you laugh the most?
USMNT. Bitter, bitter slightly crazed laughter.
(Man, I had a totally different reaction. I guess it would best be described as "a dull stare.")
7) Compare the USMNT's performance in South Africa to dining at a chain restaurant.
To answer this question, I need to tell a short story. When Sophia was born, I left the hospital at around 10pm to get some food for my very tired vegetarian wife. Right across the street was a Burger King. (Yes, ironic, I know) I wanted to get back quickly and at the time they offered a veggie burger, so I opted for efficiency and ran over to order a double cheeseburger, fries, veggie burger and some sort of sugary beverage. It tasted so good. I hadn't eaten in forever, and I was really hungry. It wasn't the best food, but it delivered calories and fooled my taste-buds into loving it with its seductive combination of fat and salt. Later that night, sleeping in the uncomfortable chair in the hospital room, I had the worst gas I have ever experienced. Physically painful, horrible smell. Emily kicked me out of the room it was so bad.
The group stage was delicious. The Ghana game made my stomach hurt.
(The Veggie Whopper is a crime against America. A CRIME AGAINST AMERICA.)
8) Which player was the biggest disappointment at the World Cup?
I'm going to disagree on the C. Ronaldo point with your previous emailers - he did exactly what I wanted him to. He sucked so hard, that I'm surprised he didn't bust a lung. Of course he may have and been writhing on the ground every few minutes because of it, but I'm more inclined to view him as a whiny faker. I'll go with Drogba, not because of what he did exactly, but because we never got to see him in form. I think the Elephants would have been much more dangerous with him at 100% and we didn't get to see it.
(I'm surprised you're the first person to mention Drogba when answering this question. While, yes, he does have the excuse of being injured directly before the start of the tournament, the man went from being THE HOPE OF A CONTINENT to out after the group stage. And, in case you forgot, he had a VERY GOOD chance to score against Portugal, a goal which probably would have sent them into the second round. I feel bad for the guy, but I'm not here to cover for him. Drogba had one of the most disappointing tournaments, for sure.)
9) Make up a curse word I can shout during the Final on Sunday.
I got nothing for new curses, but I have a proposal for an alternative signifier for diving/faking an injury. I would like to propose that we say something to the effect of: "Man, there were a ton of Ghanaians Skinny Ronaldoing at the end of the game with the US."
(I'll allow it. I may change it to CRonaldoing, though.)
10) We've all learned a lot over the course of the past month. Final question. True or false: Slovenia is a real country.
Still true, just like you're still a racist.
[I wanted to include this last thought in parenthesis: I have stolen your parens bit again and you will be forced to use brackets]
(Or have you? You forgot that I'm the editor here. Your parens have become brackets. Suck it. Also, you're totally wrong about Slovenia. And you're a racist.)
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