Day Twenty One Wrap Up.

The semi-finals have been settled.  Settled like a hot girl with a fat, rich husband.  Settled like the Willamette River Valley.  Settled like the dust.  Settled like Catan.

GAME ONE:  Germany 4 - Argentina 0.

If Germany weren't Germany, I would probably be totally in love with them.  No joke.  They fucking DEE-STROY-EDD Argentina.  They made Argentina look like a 10-man-Australia.  They made Argentina look like me in one of my fatter periods.  They made Argentina look like Felicity after that bitch cut all her hair off.  It was TURRIBLE.

With Chancellor Angela Merkel aka Pretty Janet Reno aka Spaltung aka The Queen of Pants Suits watching from the stands, Germany employed their preferred style of play, the We Only Score From Inside the Six Yard Box, to great effect.  It was really something to see.  They defended so well, stymieing Messi, clogging the center of the pitch, waiting for their opportunities to rush forward in numbers.

Oh, and getting an early goal off a set piece helped, too.

Miroslav Klose scored two of his team's four, increasing his cumulative World Cup goal tally to 14, leaving him tied for second with Gerd Muller and one goal behind Ronaldo for the most all time.  For the record, I hope he doesn't get it.  I hope he doesn't even score an own goal.  Fat Ronaldo is one of my favorite players of ALL TIME, and it would be a sad day to see his record taken down by The Automaton.

Argentina, Messi, Higuain, Mardonna and the rest are headed back to Buenos Aires where they will likely drown their sorrows with wine and steak.  Hey, it could be worse.  You could be Brazil.

GAME TWO:  Spain 1 - Paraguay 0.


What a strange fucking game.  I'm gonna do this review in list form, so just fucking deal with it.

1)  Paraguay, you only have yourselves to blame.  Wait, wait, wait.  That sounds too negative.  Let's try again.

1a)  Paraguay, you played a great tournament and you should be proud.  Everyone knew that Spain would eventually pick your lock and find a goal, so holding them to 1-0 on a goal in the 83rd is nothing to be ashamed of.

2)  They missed penalties equaled themselves out, and I think that's fair.  Carlos Batres didn't blow the whistle as the Spanish encroached on Cardozo's spot kick, so even though Alonso made his first attempt, the referee blew his whistle as a total make-up call.  Alonso missed his second try and balance was restored in the universe.

3)  The ref, as you may have heard, was total shit, by the way.

4)  Paraguay should export its defense.  They were so solid in this tournament.  It was inspirational.

5)  Can Spain just please bench Fernando Torres?  He's having a TERRRRRRIBLE tournament.  It hurts me to watch.  Fabregas is way classier, anyhow.  He should be starting, even if Torres was in fine form (which, for the record, he isn't).

6)  David Villa is the consummate striker, and by that, I mean he's lucky.  So lucky.  Not only was he in the right place at the right time for the rebound off Pedro's shot, but it took a little postal magic of his own to put the ball across the line.

7)  Spain needs to stop underachieving RIGHT NOW if they expect to have a chance against the rampaging Germans.  For serious.

-ZGS