We've learned a lot over the past month.
As the Final approaches on Sunday, it's time for an interview round-up. We'll be hearing from each of our World Cup correspondents ONE LAST TIME in a segment I toyed with calling Land's End, but I'm not that into clothes and shit.
I'm doing this while watching the Uruguay/Germany match. It just started raining down on the pitch so I hope to see lots of muddy, semi-nude men later in the match. Here are my responses to your very relevant line of questioning:
1) The Finals are set. Are you happy?
Yes. While the US and South Africa were knocked out early, I am a keen supporter of the underdog. Let Spain or Holland go forth to take a place in history. [Go Spain?]
(I also love the underdog. In more ways than one. Look below.)
2) What's the best thing you've Ronaldoed* while watching a game?
I lived off of South African hot dogs while attending matches along with shit Budweiser ["the official sponsor"]. As a side note, it was fun to watch Germans drinking Bud and bitching about it. At home, I ate food.
(I LOVE HOT DOGS. No joke. I think part of it is that I only eat the beef and turkey ones. They somehow feel more pure than a regular hotdog; as if a cow's hoof is way more healthy than a pig's . So many questions: Are there difference between S.A. Hot Dogs and American ones? What condiments do you put on them? Is the South African Hot Dog a sexual act that I'm unfamiliar with? If not, it should be.)
3) I've talked a lot on this blog about vampires and other creatures of the night. Who's your vote for best monster at the World Cup?
If I can't vote for Paul the Octopus, then I vote for the Brief Interviews with Beautiful Women. Keph is a creature of the night. Ask her.
(Oh, I believe it. Big time.)
4) Tell me one thing you've learned about South Africa thanks to this tournament.
That vuvuzelas are not the enemy. France is.
(They always are. Remember the French AND Indian War? What was that shit about?)
5) Out of the four remaining captains in the Final and Consolation match, who would win in a fight: Diego Lugano, Giovanni van Broknckhorst, Philip Lahm or Iker Casillas?
Diego Lugano based solely on altitude of origin.
(In looking up Diego Lugano's birthplace [Canleones], a pressing question formed in my mind. Riddle me this: Is Uruguay basically the Louisiana of South America? I don't have much to back this semi-theory up, mostly delta-dom. Think about it, though. Get back to me.)
6) Which team's exit from the tournament made you laugh the most?
Brazil. Just because.
(Just because it was HILARIOUS.)
7) Compare the USMNT's performance in South Africa to dining at a chain restaurant.
Outback Steakhouse because they feature lots of snazzy cocktails served in tall, voluptuous glasses that help you forget how horrid the actual meal turns out to be. But it does look good on the menu, doesn't it. *meaty* Can I get a Bloomin' Onion? Vomit.
(I think it's funny that you compared the USMNT to a supposedly Australian steak house. Warning: Never talk shit on the Bloomin' Onion. The only reason you should vomit after eating one is because you single-handedly took down the whole thing. That aside, this analogy is true. ESPN is said snazzy-cocktails. A lot of flash, short on substance. Distracting us from actual content.)
8) Which player was the biggest disappointment at the World Cup?
Messi. Booooo-ring.
(I don't agree with you, but I can see why some people have this opinion. For the "Greatest Player in the World" to not score a single goal for a rather prolific Argentine team is kind of crazy. Plus, he got CRUSHED by Germany. It wasn't pretty.)
9) Make up a curse word I can shout during the Final on Sunday.
SHWEINSTEIGER!!! Sounds dirty if you scream it.
(Admittedly, this is the best name the German team has to offer at the 2010 tournament. But. But, I would be remiss if I didn't remind the world of the best name the German team has ever fielded: David Odonkor, from the 2006 team. ODONKOR. Divine. Odonkor. Simply divine. I love this name so much I wrote a theme song for the man. Ask me to sing it to you, some time.)
10) We've all learned a lot over the course of the past month. Final question. True or false: Slovenia is a real country.
It's true. And I'm going to fly there to prove it.
(Go ahead. I DARE YOU.)
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