Ultimate Interviews - Alex.

We've learned a lot over the past month.

As the Final approaches on Sunday, it's time for an interview round-up.  We'll be hearing from each of our World Cup correspondents ONE LAST TIME in a segment I toyed with calling Beyond Funderdome, but that really doesn't make any sense, now does it?

I sent each of my blog-helpers the same ten-questionnaire, through which I hope to discover the true essence of World Cup 2010.  That, or this is a lazy, literary gimmick.

ALEX:  THE ULTIMATE INTERVIEW

All questions posed via email.  Additional commentary in parens.

1)  The Finals are set.  Are you happy?

Yes and no. I am happy knowing that World Cup Champions--whoever it ends up being--are not just going to add the trophy to an already crowded collection of World Cup trophies. No because the U.S. are not anywhere near the finals.

(I love that you love the US.  I hate the you capitalized Champions in that sentence.)

2)  What's the best thing you've Ronaldoed while watching a game?

Barbacoa burrito a la Chipotle [U.S. vs England].

(I've never really been into the barbacoa at Chipotle.  I don't think it meshes as well with all the flavors, especially the cilantro, as the chicken, which is obviously the superior meat choice for your burrito.  Here's my Chipotle order (write it down so you can buy it for me):  Chicken fajita burrito, add black and pinto beans, tomatillo verde salsa and mild salsa, sour cream, cheese and lettuce.  Perfect.  Absolutely perfect.)

3)  I've talked a lot on this blog about vampires and other creatures of the night.  Who's your vote for best monster at the World Cup?

I HATE monsters.

(Well, they hate you back.)

4)  Tell me one thing you've learned about South Africa thanks to this tournament.

They have a CITY devoted entirely to SOCCER.

(This is literal and true.  Soccer City is a city devoted entirely to soccer.  Wordplay.)

5)  Out of the four remaining captains in the Final and Consolation match, who would win in a fight:  Diego Lugano, Giovanni van Broknckhorst, Philip Lahm or Iker Casillas? 

Giovanni van Broknckhorst he scored an awesome goal, demonstrating his superior superpowers.

(I find your reasoning to be poor.  One knock-out punch does not an incredible fighter make.  Think about Kimbo Slice.  The dude looks good in backyard matches, but gets choked the fuck out in real MMA.  Oh god.  I actually know something about MMA.  I'm going to go wash my brain, now.)

6)  Which team's exit from the tournament made you laugh the most?

France. Merde.

(France's departure mad me feel incredibly weird.  First, I was amused.  Then I was bored.  Next, I was sad.  Then I was hungry, but that didn't have anything to do with France.  I think I laughed again, after that.  Then I was annoyed, then sad, then amused, then sad, then super disappointed.  Thank you for letting me share my feelings.)

7)  Compare the USMNT's performance in South Africa to dining at a chain restaurant.

It's like I first ordered some food during the group stage and I got more or less what I ordered. After eating all that I go back and order some dessert and but Ghana eats my ice cream and then rolls around on the restaurant floor. [I did not defend my dessert very well.]

(I like how this answer makes sense at the beginning, but then veers wildly in an insane direction.  I don't ever know what you're saying, half the time.  I shouldn't need a translator for my own brother.  Let me see if I have a good grasp of your response:  You eat a decent meal.  You want desert, but when you order it, the entire nation of Ghana takes it and rolls around on the floor.  Correct me if I got anything wrong here.)

8)  Which player was the biggest disappointment at the World Cup?

Fernando Torres. That guy has hardly had any chances and the one chance he does have (being wide open, during a fast break with Pedro) he doesn't get the ball.

(Would you have passed it to suck a waste of space if you were in Pedro's position?)

9)  Make up a curse word I can shout during the Final on Sunday.

Futch

(Incredible.)

10)  We've all learned a lot over the course of the past month.  Final question.  True or false:  Slovenia is a real country.

False. I think Slovenia is Russian for Atlantis.

(You did major in linguistics, so I have to take your word on this one.)